Pre Christmas Update

So this time of the year has always been the most stressful for me. It has always been a time when I look back at the year to assess whether goals were met, and often find it disappointing.

However, even though I have had a torrid year financially and in other aspects, I finally feel like it may not end badly.

Why? Well because I have made a lot of realisations this year - well more like in the last month or so.

1. As much as I would like to have someone in my life, I carry so much sexual, financial and parcels of various things around with me, that it would take a miracle to be comfortable with someone other than my kids and friends in my life.

2. Yes, even though I have stressed more this year about money than I ever have before, I am not alone in this. And to be truthful, the fact that I now work for a really nice company, with good people and good financials, is a huge change for me. I have looked back on my CV and every company I have worked for except for my first real job, has gone under. This is because I tried to match my personality with the companies I would work for. That is really laughable now, because the reality is that my personality is somewhat reckless with no culture of saving and a "fuck it, lets see what happens tomorrow" attitude.

3. My girls need me less emotionally, and adds to the nett reduction of stress that is coming about. My oldest is expressing her independence more and more now. She only has matric to go, and already there are bursary applications, a really well rounded boyfriend, a career plan and an all round good attitude to things. Just what a parent would want from any kid. My youngest is the rebel. She is on her third black boyfriend this year, much to her racist mother's horror. She is probably going to be a hairdresser or a fashion writer at worst, or the next great South African Novelist or reporter. The latter will take some guidance from around and above, but the chances really are there if she can maintain a steady ship and her good grades. It requires a lot of motivation and support, but it can be done.

4. I have come out of my sequestration and am only left with the judgements from the PE municipality now. But this is manageable and it is small enough to plan a repayment and rescission later next year. I have lived with no ability to borrow for ten years now, so another year cleaning up the credit record is not going to kill me.

5. Even though some days I don't feel like I am coping at work, and still feel under paid, the reality is that I now have a regular income which I can finally plan around, plus I am building a reputation which has placed me on the promotion watch list. I still feel insecure about the fact that I am in a fairly junior position for my age, but I do accept that I have done that to myself over the years.

6. I went for a follow up to my psychologist earlier this year and realized I just don't need her anymore, and that was an OMG moment for me. I don't need her. her work is done and there is nothing more to add.

I really have had some lows this year. Starting this new job felt like I had failed myself in trying to go it alone. But I had not had a real income for five months, and it had reached emergency proportions. I am over that now. I have been about R20k behind on school fees, and I finally may be able to catch that up at the end of this month after some creative shifting of money around.

At pride I met a very beautiful, kind man. After our first date though, I realised I would end up hurting him in the longer run for so many reasons. But this realization has given me some peace in my solitude. I like my space. I can be up and down as much as I want and have no one to try and explain to. I have learned to deal with my depression without meds for four years now, but I am not sure I could cope with the additional stress of having another variable in my life to cope with.

I have stopped feeling guilty about porn and fantasies that float around in my head. That is what they: fantasies. They help me to get to sleep at night, the keep me company during my dark days, they provide colour to my sometimes monotonous life. They are mine and mine only.

I also realised after my date with the Pride guy that I will always feel like the abused boy when I am in bed with someone, no matter how far from the reality it is at the time. It doesn't go away, and it is not fair to burden someone with that. It is also mine, and I own it. It is part of me and is manageable to me, but I don't think I will ever be a good partner.

My focus over the next few years will be to continue being a good father and role model to my kids. I feel sometimes that I am not, but then when I see how their friends look up to me as their role model I am reminded that I have lived life with an attitude that has nothing to do with building empires, stepping on people or being selfish. Life is about the love you give to the people around you, and pride in maintaining a code of ethics which may never make you rich or even to own an i-pad. Life is about showing that everyone deserves love no matter their circumstances. Life is about not feeling insecure because you don't drive a new car, or live in a fancy boom enclosed suburb. Life is about creating memories, and taking time to pause for those memories to take root.

I have given my kids memories that will live with them forever, and my only wish is that they can take that skill from me and create memories for their own kids.

So, despite it being a really crappy year filled with stress and peanut butter sandwiches for supper because I am paying private school fees, it will end okay, and okay was the best result I could have hoped for.

Peace...