I love cricket players

So W and I went to watch the SA vs Australia at Wanderers today. I took my camera. There was plenty of eye candy for both of us.

Please don’t repost. Thanks…. Sethy.

I'm in a pickle

My youngest daughter - on the way to school this morning - asked me what our custody arrangements were.

She wants to move in with me permanently.

I wanted to cry. Firstly because it is an awfully big thing for her to be considering. And secondly because it is a sign of her growing up so quickly, and me remembering that I asked the same of my father when I was the same age.

Her and her mother just do not see eye to eye. It kills me. But I don’t know if it is the right thing to seperate the two girls.

They spend every Thursday night with me, and every second weekend. I love them unconditionally of course. Unlike their mother I fear, who judges a lot, especially in terms of results at school. And she is so much like I was at the same age.

Any ideas?

Reflecting on Ken's Interview

I made a little more money than usual last year, so I decided to take the plunge and haul myself to therapy. A few years on anti-depressants made me realize that I am simply treating a symptom of some deeper cause. And it was time. And I had promised myself.

Reading Ken’s interview on Grasp The Nettle, and subsequently browsing his blog, made me remember an epiphany I had during one of my sessions. I have an infatuation for the male body. More so, an infatuation with the younger male body. I spent a lot of time with a pedophile, and my greatest fear was that I would one day follow the same path because of my experience. This was one of the reasons I tried for so many years not to be gay…..

But back to the epiphany. During one of the hypnotherapy sessions (we call it ‘being in the chair), my therapist took me back to a time where I felt completely controlled by someone else - physically, emotionally. We will call him Trent. She took me back to a time where I was at the height of the emotional and physical lockup as me now as a man, as an observer, to watch as he fucked the boy me.

At that point, she made me take this boy’s hand, and to simply whisper in his ear: Don’t worry, everything will be alright, I am always here for you.

Coming out of the chair session, my mind was always incredibly open and acutely aware of memories, feelings, emotions.

The epiphany: When I see a beautiful boy, it’s seldom that I want to be WITH him, but more of I want to BE him. To be young, and beautiful again, but without the damage and the stains that would so taunt me for the rest of my life.

So what do I want? What everyone else does. To be loved, to love. To be remembered while I am here, to be missed when I am gone.

I have had to learn to love myself completely for who I am. It is much easier to love and be loved if you first love yourself.

I love who I am now. And it shows in the reflection of my children’s loving eyes.

Friends and Pride

I am proud of my friends - Will and Ian…

Ian was all stressed last night cos the big boss wanted to see him this morning. Turns out he is being promoted from May - triple his current salary! Happiness all round.

Will went for a second interview at a new company today, and they called later for more information, so it looks like a third interview is on the cards. I think it looks good for him too. Kinda weird that he currently works for the same company I did a bunch of years ago. Some of the same people are still working there. I thought they would all be dead by now lol.

I am having coffee with him tomorrow at work cos I won two tickets to the 1st SA - Aus Test at Wanderers and I have to collect the tickets. His offices are close by, and I am going to upgrade my cell phone too if I get the time. He will come with me to the cricket yay!

God, I been so lazy today.. even had a little nap this afternoon lol. Then had cappucino with Will. I guess I should put a few hours in tonight.

No Alcohol For A Week

shit… i have an abcess on my tooth and have to take these anti-biotic things from tomorrow which apparently block the enzymes that break down alcohol. ie… beer plus meds = alcohol poisoning. fuck.

so i made up for it by getting drunk with ian and Will tonight. and then blogging lol. at least there was some eye candy.

lol, and i blushed for the first time in a long time tonight. Will joined us (the love of my life, but yeah, not happening). and there was a soccer interview on the telly in the pub all quiet like, cos they are playing some dipshit cd in the background. and it is torres, and i have serious hots for him. so i says to ian to be quiet, cos i can’t concentrate on his conversation and watch hot boy on tv at the same time. so some guy behind me says quietly in my ear that the boy isn’t even old enough to shave yet (meaning torres).

so i says to Will: I hope I am blushing, cos i felt really flushed and there were laughs all round hehe….

i love my friends…. ian was all philosophical about his gf. god, he has broken up with her about six times in the last three months. he also said to me that the only boys (i have slept with since he has known me) he has approved of was Ray and Will lol… ray lives in NZ now, and Will… well Will and I are now in a different place. best mates, brothers… or something. but no longer lovers, though we act like we married when we together. like tonight. We see each other at least 4 times a week… but more as we go.

drunk, exhausted - i drove for sixteen hours yesterday (dont ask)