Reflecting on Ken's Interview

I made a little more money than usual last year, so I decided to take the plunge and haul myself to therapy. A few years on anti-depressants made me realize that I am simply treating a symptom of some deeper cause. And it was time. And I had promised myself.

Reading Ken’s interview on Grasp The Nettle, and subsequently browsing his blog, made me remember an epiphany I had during one of my sessions. I have an infatuation for the male body. More so, an infatuation with the younger male body. I spent a lot of time with a pedophile, and my greatest fear was that I would one day follow the same path because of my experience. This was one of the reasons I tried for so many years not to be gay…..

But back to the epiphany. During one of the hypnotherapy sessions (we call it ‘being in the chair), my therapist took me back to a time where I felt completely controlled by someone else - physically, emotionally. We will call him Trent. She took me back to a time where I was at the height of the emotional and physical lockup as me now as a man, as an observer, to watch as he fucked the boy me.

At that point, she made me take this boy’s hand, and to simply whisper in his ear: Don’t worry, everything will be alright, I am always here for you.

Coming out of the chair session, my mind was always incredibly open and acutely aware of memories, feelings, emotions.

The epiphany: When I see a beautiful boy, it’s seldom that I want to be WITH him, but more of I want to BE him. To be young, and beautiful again, but without the damage and the stains that would so taunt me for the rest of my life.

So what do I want? What everyone else does. To be loved, to love. To be remembered while I am here, to be missed when I am gone.

I have had to learn to love myself completely for who I am. It is much easier to love and be loved if you first love yourself.

I love who I am now. And it shows in the reflection of my children’s loving eyes.