Grr! And happiness :)

So I am still pissed about arguing with the ex last night. Add to that, I hate it that I had to have a fight over the phone in front of my mother.

Couldn't get to sleep till way after midnight and woke at 4am. My mind was just spinning!

So I went shopping for clothes this morning. From the weather reports, looks like Cape Town is raining and cold - typically Winter CT, so I had to fast forward my winter clothing shopping. Not much, just a couple pairs of jeans, and a couple of warm tops. But I despise shopping for clothes, but anyway, has to be done sometimes. Packing for my trip now. The mood is already disappating just thinking of getting on the plane. Think I will wear my bling diamond in my ear this weekend lol.

Hmm, need to stock up on lube and condoms lol.... almost forgot about that.

And yay! Found a packaging company really close by that supplies the containers I need for [secret product]. Logo is almost ready. Thought of great new permutation of the product early this morning. Nix had some excellent ideas yesterday, as did little brother's partner. Website setup next week. Luckily I have geek friends willing to jump in and help. Label print, new test batch with some slight changes to the setup, and I will be ready to go to market! Fuck, I never figured this would actually come to fruition, and with so little outlay. It's amazing how your subconscious can mull over something, then suddenly present all the right solutions when you are ready. And present the right people to help out.

Then I will start on stalker girl issues to buy some of the licenses she isn't using. But that's going to take a lot of courage and thought lol! The last thing I need is for her to think I am in any way letting her back into my life. But the subconscious has been preparing the wording for me, when I am ready, it should just flow..... Sister-in-law and I will get that going together, but it will only be later on in the year. Karma is a very real and powerful thing.

Still weirded out about the motivations behind this weekend lol..... but I love being weirded out. makes life so much more interesting. It reminds me of when I decided to become a rent boy as my holiday job in high school..... but that's another post hehe....

Some thoughts

Since my divorce (well some time before actually) I have come to realize that I was not alone in the situation I was in.

I have come to meet (mainly online) a lot of guys that are married, or have been married that are battling with their sexuality.

For me, I tried for many years NOT to be gay. The were a few motivations. The first was that because my first real 'gay' experience happened to be with a pedophile, and I had it in my head that being gay meant that I was or could end up being like that. The second reason was a comment by someone when I was really battling with my sexuality in high school. He said that I would always be gay, and I shouldn't fight it. In context, it was a hurtful thing to say, so I made it my quest to prove him wrong. Thirdly, I always wanted a family. With my own kids.

And then I met my ex-wife. She was smitten with me, and I enjoyed the attention. We went through the awkward throws of inexperienced sex together, and after living with each other for three years, we eventually married. Two years later, we had our first daughter, and soon after that, we found ourselves with a second angel.

Sex was never good. We lived together more as friends, sex occasionally happening when we were both horny, or after a good night out with a lot of alcohol involved. She always suspected my sexuality issues, but we were never a couple that could actually talk to each other about real things. We spent our time together trying to build the perfect family, with the perfect house, in the perfect suburb, with perfect kids. But we never spoke.

But, at some point, after twelve years of marriage, we began talking. In riddles mainly, hints...

Then we met a couple. After some drunkenness at a dinner we hosted, somehow we all ended up in bed together. There was never the intention, but somehow being with them was electrically charged. The conversation was always about sex. There were dares. We progressed over some weeks to touching the same sex of the other partners...

Needless to say, the ex and the other woman started seeing each other seperately, and the husband was very obviously straight. I think we were all subconsciously sabotaging our realtionships. My wife and I, after many weeks of silence and not being able to talk about what was happening (I never knew at this point that her and the other woman were having an affair), just decided one day that we are on different paths, and it would be better if we seperated for a while.

It has been an amazing journey. Yes, stressful, sad, emotional. But we remain good friends, all four of us. Our kids are friends, we all see each other regularly. The ex will call me when her and C are having problems and she will cry on my shoulder.

The two of them are not out to anyone except me. They live two seperate lives, but while I have the kids, they stay with each other. I am out to everyone, including my kids.

I have noticed over the last few weeks, that they are being a little more daring in their sharing, so I think that is good for both of them. I am proud of them.

I still love her in my own little way. But have never been IN love with her. I have no regrets - how can I when I have two beautiful, well balanced teenage daughters?

We have been apart for four years now, and neither of us have ever been this happy.

My mother said to my oldest daughter last weekend: When your father said he was going to marry your mother, I thought WTF? He's gay.... But thankfully he did, and I have two beautiful granddaughters.

My kids laugh at how different we are, and comment often that they don't know how we stayed together for so long. But we can laugh about it because we talk about it, and we never show regret, because we don't.