Oh Dear: Tuesday

Hmmm. was just thinking about last night. It's been a while since I let down the proverbial hair like that. I really didn't feel like going out when Iain called. Thought: Okay, a couple of beers, then I will head home. But its funny how these things work out. Seeing Willem again was amazing. Haven't seen him in AGES. He is well over six foot, and when he laughs or even smiles, he can just light up the room. So he was with his gf (blah). I met him when he was a waiter and I was going through a bad drinking phase. Him, Iain and I have been friends for a while now.

For my 37th, I invited friends and family to join me at a pub/restuarant we frequented at the time to celebrate. About thirty people arrived, so we took over the bar area. I had asked Willem to be my 'date' for the evening. I was still going through the coming out process, and thought it would be a good way to get people used to me being with a guy. I couldn't have hoped for a better evening. Willem was affectionate enough not to make anyone uncomfortable. We never kissed, but he had his arm around me for most of the evening, and kept whispering cute things in my ear. My mother was clearly glowing with happiness over my new found 'bf'. She even called me after we had all gone home, to make sure that I had called Willem to make sure he got home okay. Sweet :)

If any of you are cricket fans, the greatest one day game ever played out at Wanderers in Johannesburg a few years ago. Little brother and I had block booked some VIP tickets for our clients. Drinks, food, good seats etc. South Africa was playing Australia. It already had the ingredients of an excellent day. We had some spare tickets, so I invited Willem to come as my partner. We were chatting about it last night. It's one of those days that will be remembered and talked about even when we are old and gray...

Anyway, our short 'relationship' just kinda faded away. He is more on the str8 side of bi, and it looks like he is going to marry this girl he was with last night.

And C, who arrived just before we were going to leave. He was the first guy after my ex and I seperated. It was just fun. We did a few threeways with a mutual friend of ours. Usually after a night of drinking. I have a clear memory of C trying to get both our cocks in his mouth in the shower while there were two str8 couples downstairs still partying.... We were giggling like girls lol...

But everytime I see him now, I wish I had let myself connect with him on a different level. About two months ago, W and I went to his restuarant for lunch. I suggested the place specifically so I could see C. I really wanted to ask him out. I was surprised how happy he was to see me, so we swopped numbers. A week later, we met for drinks and he told me he is seeing someone else.... ugh!

So last night, in the absence of the bf, I was taking advantage lol.... All in good fun mind you. Ah well... perhaps another time. The bf lives on the other side of the city, and he was saying last night he may sell his share in the restuarant and move that side of town. I really hope he doesn't though.....

A welcome and other bits...

First off, a welcome Paul from Kinderfield. Another boi from Brizvegas, who has stylish taste in music, and an eloquent writing style.

Pop in and buy him a beer, preferably a good South African one. I seem to remember being able to get my hands on a Castle Lager while I was there. Or perhaps he's more of a Bourbon and Coke kinda guy, not sure yet :)

And I been ranting about my mobile service provider to anyone who will listen. I havent been able make calls since Friday. Makes me feel like a cheapskate, having to text my mates to please call me (I can send texts). But the ever tech-savvy Sethy-boi fucked up a setting on the damn phone at some point, so don't tell ANYONE - it was all my fault hahaha! Ah well, saved loads on calls this weekend.

And I love getting mail (thanks bob), so drop me a line sometime. I'm not nearly as interesting on MSN (except with a certain boy in Sydney who incidentally NEVER mails me grrrr). Is it just me, or are Ozzy boys just smokin'?

Oh dear, Iain just called. Seems a beer is in order tonight (again) lol.

I have to laugh at him though. He is the quintessential str8 guy. Shaved head, tats (though he smokes like a fag). He is one of my best mates. When I came out to him, we were both drunk as skunks on absinthe.... he never said anyhting, but he has a stream of gay-bashing jokes in his arsenal, and I thought it would fuck the friendship up. A few days later, I popped into our regular for a pint and he was there, so I decidied just to face him and see where it goes.

So I sit down, and the barman plonks my regualr drink in front of me. We don't speak for a minute or two, so I apologize for coming out to him...

He bursts out laughing and says: "What? You told me you're gay?"

He couldn't remember a thing about the whole incident.

ANyways, as I said, he is one of the best mates around, and he was instrumental in getting me 'out' there to meet some other 'queer folk'. So when he is in between girlfriends (which seems to be quite frequent lately), he is always twisting the old rubber arm to go out for a pint or six. A few times now we have been asked if we are a couple hahaha! Much to his disgust. Though he did admit once that he kinda feels proud if someone asks if we are together lol. Weird boy. And he is not my type lol, else I think we may have even tried a thing or two hehe. We have shared a bed twice while sleeping over at a party. I can't sleep with clothes on, so I am always stripped down. He sleeps with the entire kit on haha! Funny boy. So we going to Le Rasta Style place tonight. A new regular for the two of us. And its very convenient for me as it is only about 1km from here and out of the DUI routes. besides, Le Irish Regular has quiz night on a Monday, and its basically pensioners night ugh!

A few yrs ago, we used to do the quiz night, and one night one of the questions was what the traditional gift is for a 75th wedding anniversary. An old geezer shouted at the top of his voice: "The Bloody Victoria Cross!"

laterz fellow bloggers.....

(that went on a bit didn't it?)

Coming out... slowly does it

It was boxing day. The ex and I had already negotiated seperation. We hadn't told anyone, except the girls. We told them we are doing a trial seperation for now. It's the hardest thing either of us had had to do. There was always the fear that we are somehow going to damage them, but up till now, we both still think our kids are better off with us being apart. And they think that too.

She was with some friends with the kids, I was at Little Brother's house with family. The plan was we would start telling people a bit at a time.

I blurted out that it looked like her and I were going to divorce. There was a stunned silence. On the outside, we were the model couple. My cousin (female) was the most shocked. She had just married, and said after that her and new hubby had discussed that they would model their marriage on what the ex and I had managed to achieve.

Later, after many drinks and food, cousin and I were dancing, and I whispered in her ear that the reality was that I wasn't exactly straight. She giggled and held me closer and kissed my neck. She whispers back in mine: Oh shit!, There goes my childhood fantasy...

A gay friend of the family was also there. He left early, but left his jacket. I called him to tell him, and he said he was at a friend, literally down the road. I left and popped in to drop his jacket. I was drunk, and on a high from telling my cuz. I told the gay boy after a drink. His friend and I ended up snogging on the couch. It was amazingly liberating. Finally, I had told somebody within the circle (two people now), and there was just acceptance. And finally, I had deep tongue kissed someone known to the circle. No guilt. I went home and basked in the glow of knowing I had a new life ahead of me.

Coming Out - Kind of... The office party

I had been married for less than a year. The company I worked for really treated their staff well, and at the slightest hint of an excuse, we would party. We had just migrated tons of data successfully to a new system, and had spent three nights in a row testing and retesting. So our Ops manager decided we needed a night out. When I say 'we' I mean fifty people or so.

Being the ops manager's right hand boy, I arranged for us to go to this really off the wall Portuguese restuarant in the heart of the CBD. There were two main groups. The first were the programmers and the DBA's, who were mainly long term contractors and in the age group from thirty to fifty. the second group - the one I interacted with on a daily basis - was a large team of 'floor workers' . They were young - mainly researchers - and an eclectic mix. I had somehow moved through the ranks quite quickly, and this group envied my position as right hand boy. I guess I was twenty-four or so, and they averaged around nineteen.

For some reason, they mostly adored me, guys and girls. I was always on the floor, spurring them on. I was a process specialist, and any way I could find to make their work quicker I pushed for implementation.

So I was with the younger group for most of the evening. Drinks were on the house, so we were all taking turns to order a round. Sambuka, then Schnapps, Vodka, and so it went on. So when it came to my turn, I ordered the boys Portuguese Fire Water (Aquadent), and the girls Tequila Gold. It became a competition - I was the 'older guy' they were all trying to impress.

Needless to say, most of the group left fairly early as the alcohol was just too much. I was a pretty hardy drinker, so I joined the older crowd in the bar downstairs. I was very very drunk by this time, but had managed to stay upright until the last of the competition had left.

The oldest of the programmers was a guy called Bruce. I guess he was fifty or so. His partner John was eighteen - a delightful little queen. A huge chunk of the IT guys and girls were gay. I joined Bruce and John, and the rest of the evening was just a blur.

It took me over an hour to find my car. When I got home, there were all these cars in the driveway, and I suddenly realized that my wife and I had invited a bunch of friends over for a barbecue...

When I went inside, I just said hi to everyone, and promptly retired to the lounge where I woke the next morning with the biggest of hangovers ever.

Thank God it was Saturday, and the wife just laughed at how I drunk I was when I got home the previous night.

On Monday, it was back to work as usual. We spent some time in the canteen laughing about the events of the Friday. Later, I had to go to the fourth floor to Bruce to go over some results of the latest testing. Sitting in his office, he leaned over the desk and said to me: "You know that you told me you are gay on Friday, right?"

We both burst into laughter, and he came around and hugged me. He told me that I had pulled him and John aside and told them I was envious of their relationship and shared some sexual anecdotes, while attempting to get another beer down. Luckily, no-one else had heard, and Bruce assured me it would remain that way.

Even though I was married, and quite happily so, I kinda felt a little liberated in a way. It was like, yeah I am happy, and yeah I am also okay that I have a gay side, and yeah I can live with it. And I did.

Coming out.... (Part One)

The first person who actually found out my deep dark secret was my little brother.

Let me say first that I never considered my self gay at first. I just thought boys were hot, had sucked a few dicks, and was being used by a pedo... that doesn't mean I am gay right? I had several girlfriends through highschool, but experimented a lot with boys sexually. I never once wanted to sleep with any of my gf's - touching girls in any way scared me physically.

I kept a journal of sorts, mainly just putting my fantasies about several of the boys I knew down on paper. It was an erotic exercise.

I was home for the holidays in my last year for the first time in two years (I hated being at home). I had been catching up with some old mates in my hometown, and was pretty tanked on Vodka when I got home. I had seen Alex, the soccer boy, and I wanted to write about him. I got out my journal from where it was stashed under the matress. I opened up to where the last story was, and found a whole piece written by my little brother, telling me he is okay with me being gay, and he will always defend me if it ever came up.

I lay on the bed, clutching the book to my chest, and just sobbed uncontrollaby for what seemed like an hour. It was the first time it became real to me. The first time that I had to face the fact that perhaps I was in this category. GAY... ffs, it was a word that scared the living daylights out of me. Gay wasn't even a word that had become fashionable yet, it was a new concept.

There was no prejudice in his note to me, just love. I wrote a response to him in my journal, and left it so that he could easily find it.

The next day, at the bottom of my response, there was a small 'xxx' written below in his writing.

The context is important though. Him and I really grew up seperately. I went to boarding school, while he chose to move in with our grandmother for most of highschool. Her house was our home. My mother had remarried, and Stepdad was an arsehole, so we stayed away. We hardly spoke at all during highschool. I only found out recently that one of the reasons he left boarding school after his first year there, was because he was being teased about being the 'gay boy little brother'. It makes me sad, because no-one ever said anything to me directly, and I never knew he was suffering the consequences of me being gay.

The word now being on paper, and it all being real, I went into panic mode. I didn't want to be gay. Trevor and I had finally had the fights of all fights, and I had moved out from him, and back into the hostel for my final exams. I had decided that that part of my life was now over. No more boys, no more Trevor, no more journal, no more gay. I burnt the journal shortly after that and decided I would rather be on my own and leave it at that.

We have been really close later on in life.

After high school, I moved back in with Trevor. He was so closet, it suited me. And much older too. I lived with him as 'business partners' until I was twenty-two. I finally moved out again, and again I denied my sexuality, mainly because we were always living a lie, and wanted no part of it. I thought it would be easier being on my own, and dealing with it on my own. That's when I met my ex-wife, and I just continued the denial until age 37.