It always amazes me how a fleeting smell, a flicker of an image, an unexpected emotional state, can bring back a sudden flood of memories.
Yesterday, it was the Dead Poets Society. Specifically the character Neil Perry (Robert Sean Leonard).
Though the personality of the character didn't match, his mannerisms, smile, jawline, nose... they were all my high school boy friend. My very secret high school boyfriend.
I dreamed of him all night last night, heard his laugh.
I cried in my dreams as he left.
It left me feeling in the weirdest down mood I have had in ages. Sometimes it feels like I am living someone else's life, like I silently watch as it plays out in front of me, with only minimal control, devoid of real emotion.
I will be better tomorrow, but tonight is for him as I go back and hold his hand.
We swapped three short mails about five years ago, but they were just empty keystrokes from both of us. I wish I could tell him I loved him without consequence.
Too many 'what ifs' today.
Savor those memories you have, and those fantasies you hoped would come true will always be in your mind someday down the road.
ReplyDeleteDon't get too down. It's something we all go through, so yes you're still in your own life, and definitely NOT devoid of real emotion, just struggling to face it.
*HUGS*