Pre Christmas Update

So this time of the year has always been the most stressful for me. It has always been a time when I look back at the year to assess whether goals were met, and often find it disappointing.

However, even though I have had a torrid year financially and in other aspects, I finally feel like it may not end badly.

Why? Well because I have made a lot of realisations this year - well more like in the last month or so.

1. As much as I would like to have someone in my life, I carry so much sexual, financial and parcels of various things around with me, that it would take a miracle to be comfortable with someone other than my kids and friends in my life.

2. Yes, even though I have stressed more this year about money than I ever have before, I am not alone in this. And to be truthful, the fact that I now work for a really nice company, with good people and good financials, is a huge change for me. I have looked back on my CV and every company I have worked for except for my first real job, has gone under. This is because I tried to match my personality with the companies I would work for. That is really laughable now, because the reality is that my personality is somewhat reckless with no culture of saving and a "fuck it, lets see what happens tomorrow" attitude.

3. My girls need me less emotionally, and adds to the nett reduction of stress that is coming about. My oldest is expressing her independence more and more now. She only has matric to go, and already there are bursary applications, a really well rounded boyfriend, a career plan and an all round good attitude to things. Just what a parent would want from any kid. My youngest is the rebel. She is on her third black boyfriend this year, much to her racist mother's horror. She is probably going to be a hairdresser or a fashion writer at worst, or the next great South African Novelist or reporter. The latter will take some guidance from around and above, but the chances really are there if she can maintain a steady ship and her good grades. It requires a lot of motivation and support, but it can be done.

4. I have come out of my sequestration and am only left with the judgements from the PE municipality now. But this is manageable and it is small enough to plan a repayment and rescission later next year. I have lived with no ability to borrow for ten years now, so another year cleaning up the credit record is not going to kill me.

5. Even though some days I don't feel like I am coping at work, and still feel under paid, the reality is that I now have a regular income which I can finally plan around, plus I am building a reputation which has placed me on the promotion watch list. I still feel insecure about the fact that I am in a fairly junior position for my age, but I do accept that I have done that to myself over the years.

6. I went for a follow up to my psychologist earlier this year and realized I just don't need her anymore, and that was an OMG moment for me. I don't need her. her work is done and there is nothing more to add.

I really have had some lows this year. Starting this new job felt like I had failed myself in trying to go it alone. But I had not had a real income for five months, and it had reached emergency proportions. I am over that now. I have been about R20k behind on school fees, and I finally may be able to catch that up at the end of this month after some creative shifting of money around.

At pride I met a very beautiful, kind man. After our first date though, I realised I would end up hurting him in the longer run for so many reasons. But this realization has given me some peace in my solitude. I like my space. I can be up and down as much as I want and have no one to try and explain to. I have learned to deal with my depression without meds for four years now, but I am not sure I could cope with the additional stress of having another variable in my life to cope with.

I have stopped feeling guilty about porn and fantasies that float around in my head. That is what they: fantasies. They help me to get to sleep at night, the keep me company during my dark days, they provide colour to my sometimes monotonous life. They are mine and mine only.

I also realised after my date with the Pride guy that I will always feel like the abused boy when I am in bed with someone, no matter how far from the reality it is at the time. It doesn't go away, and it is not fair to burden someone with that. It is also mine, and I own it. It is part of me and is manageable to me, but I don't think I will ever be a good partner.

My focus over the next few years will be to continue being a good father and role model to my kids. I feel sometimes that I am not, but then when I see how their friends look up to me as their role model I am reminded that I have lived life with an attitude that has nothing to do with building empires, stepping on people or being selfish. Life is about the love you give to the people around you, and pride in maintaining a code of ethics which may never make you rich or even to own an i-pad. Life is about showing that everyone deserves love no matter their circumstances. Life is about not feeling insecure because you don't drive a new car, or live in a fancy boom enclosed suburb. Life is about creating memories, and taking time to pause for those memories to take root.

I have given my kids memories that will live with them forever, and my only wish is that they can take that skill from me and create memories for their own kids.

So, despite it being a really crappy year filled with stress and peanut butter sandwiches for supper because I am paying private school fees, it will end okay, and okay was the best result I could have hoped for.

Peace...

When you think things will change

I guess sometimes, everyone goes through a state of arrogance....

I'm not sure if this was the case.

I did some work for a consultancy that at one point used my services fairly regularly. It was a small job, and it was over quickly. However, their senior personess expressed that they had been looking for someone on a more permanent basis.

Later, a meeting with one of the directors was arranged, and I subsequently submitted a proposal.

A day later, he mailed me saying it all looked good, we should meet and put something on paper. He then went off to a site in Africa, and the day he returned, ha called me and said we can talk over mail and the phone because he has to be on site this week. I needed this to be finalized by today because if I was going to resign, it would have had to be today for various reasons.

So I mailed him with what I thought was a more streamlined proposal to open up the negotiations. It was one that was better for both parties. Later this afternoon he called me, and apologised that he misread my original proposal, and that it would be impossible to go forward as my rates were double what he had in is mind - these are the same rates I have been charging them for the past two years. The rate which THEY increased because they felt I was under charging at the time.

So from expecting a few details to be ironed out, to nothing....

The reality is ..

oops just heard gunshots in the distance

The reality is that I had made all these preparations both mentally and physically...

So kinda shell shocked now. It would have been my road to financial recovery. I really enjoy where I work now, so for a small increase, it won't be worth moving. But financially, I am just sinking backwards. The kids schooling costs me almost half of what I earn and I am not sure how I am going to recover from early this year.

back to the drawing board....

Just some imagery...

Scenes from my little break before getting back to temporary retirement

Wellie throwing competition
Jeffery's Bay
Sunset over the Waterberg
View from the deck over the nature reserve
A walk through the forest

And the boat launch we attended

Boat

All Fun

OMG! I'm posting!

Well, I guess the reason i ever post is when I am either way up, or way down.

A little about what I do for a living...

The money part generally comes from consulting to the mining industry - I create 3D models of geological structures from clues I get from various sources including manual mapping (when geologists actually observe something and draw it on a map); drillhole data; some clever extrapolation techniques (including kriging); and a lot of intuitive guesswork based on experience.

I freelance, and work through a consultancy that is already an approved supplier to the clients I do work for. The process of becoming approved individually is long and expensive. Besides, within the framework of current racist legislation, I am too white to actually be able to be a supplier in the first place (let me not continue ranting).

Work is currently scarce, and I have been working on individual projects for one client on and off for the last two years. Through the consultancy I work through, we 'secured' a project to model a large section of the old workings of the mine which they intend re-mining using new technology. It's a project that would have taken six or seven months based on the level of detail they required. I was to head up the project from the contractors point of view, and would use two other consultants I have worked with in the past.

For six weeks, all I did was help the mine out of crisis mode on another internal project, while the other two girls (my colleagues) continued on our given task.

Out of the blue, we are called in and informed that they have had to cut costs dramatically and consequently our services would be terminated in two weeks. They would have to make use of internal resources only, and would compensate by drastically reducing the level of detail required.

During all of this and as a result of a discussion started a year ago, I interviewed for a permanent position the client had created for me. This suits me at the moment, because I will gladly trade a drop in hourly rates for guaranteed income every month ad infinitum.

At the end of the two weeks notice period, I naturally left the site, had my time sheet signed off, and billed them (for which I have been paid). I went on a two week holiday, expecting that once a formal offer had been made, I would have no chance for holidays for the next six months at least.

So on Monday, I was called to say that an offer was finalised. I went through yesterday to collect it and planned to discuss how it could best be structured to be tax effective etc.

Well, to say I was disappointed in what they are offering is the understatement of the year...

I won't be accepting it, and will quite frankly prefer to be unemployed than work as slave labour.

To give you an idea; I am currently charged out at roughly $100 per hour of which I get $70. I also bill separately for travel, and for time travelling. An average month sees me bill about $11,000, plus around $1500 for travel and stuff - which they have been paying for the last four years... Being self employed, there are many more ways to legally reduce my tax bill than being employed formally.

Their offer basically equates to $3000 per month (including all travel 'benefits') before taxes... That's not even $20 an hour!!! FFS!!

This is after I told them at the very beginning of the interview process that I would not even consider an offer less than double that...

And being a white male in this country right now basically excludes me from any formal employment at all... legally. Racism exists after apartheid. Legally. Openly. Except that because it is prejudiced against whites, it is acceptable of course.

What a waste of fucking time and resources.

Time to re-brand.

A Surreal Weekend

Thursday

I get this itch to go back on to Manhunt for a bit. It's the online 'dating' site in vogue here right now, and I have had a profile up for a while, though in general it is been a meat market, and that's not what I am after right now.

I actually stumble over two really nice profiles, and we subsequently swop a few mails, and I arrange for a drink date with each of them - one for Friday, and one for Saturday.

Friday

A really intense day at work, so I am looking forward to kicking it back with a few drinks and someone new to enjoy them with. I arrange with number one to meet at small pub just around the corner from his place, which suits me, because I needed to deliver some wedding pics I did a few weeks ago. It's a couple of gay girls, and one works as manager at the pub. Anyway, his msg's dry up late in the afternoon, and I go anyway to deliver the pics. The date never arrives. He did apologise much later, claiming car issues etc.... I doubt it though.. probably cold feet or something..

So I text Wes and meet him at our favourite al fresco cocktail spot which is a kinda annex to our favourite seafood place. We decide to enjoy the beautiful early summer evening with a few mojitos and manage to book a table inside for some good seafood fare. One of the reasons we always manage to get a table is because we kinda know the owner of the restaurant. A really decent kinda guy, Greek, a little short, around 50 I guess, but very good looking (though married, children etc)

He attaches himself to us for the evening, bringing us free drinks, chatting about the renovations he is planning, that kind of thing. We really don't mind, and enjoy his company a lot. Pretty soon though, it is very very clear that he is hitting on us both in a big way... Alcohol saturated, we all swop numbers, there is some almost inappropriate closeness haha..

Much later on, the son of a family friend bumps into us at the bar. he and the Greek owner's son play baseball together, and they were discussing the prospects for the games following day. Now David has always gotten a kick out of flirting with me, knowing full well that he is hot lol... He is around 28 or so now, but this game has been going on since his 21st or so. Supposedly str8...

He is drunk, and when he sees me, proceeds to put his arm around me, and just never let me go for the longest time, occasional hugging and picking me up.. he is strong and tall..

I was just enjoying the attention...

But the Greek guy just keeps on and on, being suggestive, touching our legs in turn, talking into our ears. Just plain surreal.

We leave as things appear to be getting a little out of hand, laughing as we walk down to the pub, and carry on for another hour....

Saturday

1am... I just getting into bed, having left Wes to go home and meeting another friend for a last beer at the pub around the corner from my house. The greek guy calls.. wants to know if I want to come back for some more drinks... I just laugh and tell him to go to bed. Apparently he repeated the exercise with Wes at about the same time.

Date number two confirms arrangements for the evening, and we decide on a meal somewhere. He suggests seafood, and not wanting to make too much of an issue, I agree, even though I seldom do fish more than twice a month. And the restaurant he chooses is not my favourite place, but there is a really cool place downstairs to go for after dinner drinks.

I rush around, having to to take house keys to my daughter who is having dinner with her bf's family on the other side of town. I am not very good at coping with being late, and don't do well waiting for others if they are late, so I am a little stressed having to drive around town as the time for meeting number two approaches fast.

As soon as I am relaxed and heading off to the restaurant, he calls and says he is going to be about half an hour late (minus 1000 pts). he sounds self pitying (minus 1000 pts) it sounds like he half wants me to cancel (-1000 pts).

So I tell him to text me when he leaves for our meeting point, not expecting a text at all.

Annoyed, I stop in at my local, and decide I am going to sit on my own in the corner, enjoy a good steak, and just do some Saturday night boy watching for a change.

Into my fourth drink, he texts and says he is on his way.... surprised, and actually pretty horny right then, I slowly finish my last drink, and think about the possibility of sex on the first date...

Even though I take my time, I am there fifteen minutes before him, and wait on the couches outside not knowing whether he would want a table that allows smoking...

There should be a law against misrepresentation. There should be at least mention of disability, A picture of the wheelchair, A warning that anything you say will be held against you as prejudice...

Deciding to just make a good meal out of it with some new conversation, I smile and we order wine and decide on food. The food arrives so quickly, I'm relieved. The sauce is gross, and the prawns overcooked, but I endure as I hear about medical stories...

Wes and I have this bad blind date rescue arrangement and I have never had to use it before...

I excuse myself to go to the loo, and promptly text Wes - 922 922!

A 911 means "accidently" arrive at the same place, be downright rude, and join the table and not leave until the date says goodbye. (I have done that three times for him)

A 922 is not as urgent, but the other party phones and you pretend it's your mother who's locked her keys in the car, or the tyre is flat and she needs some help...

SO I send the 922... Wes is with his younger brother, who after being told what 922 meant insisted on making the call to me himself.

The phone rings, and its Wes' brother number, not what I am expecting...

In the sorriest voice he can manage, he proceeds to tell me he can't stop the goldfish swimming in circles, trying everything to make me laugh or at the very least blow my cover...

And all I am saying is:" Don't worry Mom, I won't be long, just finishing up"

and trying to look concerned....

Anyway, it worked. he felt terrible about my mother (who was actually working in my sister-in-law's coffee shop kitchen while they hosted a 50th birthday...

and we paid the bill and left - but not before he touched my leg under the table and said he hope we could do something again soon... like maybe movies on Sunday.

I went over to Wes's place, and the three of us (his brother shares his apartment) share another bottle of wine...

I then go to the coffee shop to get a spare set of house keys to get into the house but arrive just at the peak of the birthday party mood... I offer to help behind the bar, and end up teaching two really really cute guys not much older than twenty or so, the proper Salvo Method Of Tequila Drinking... One day, perhaps I will show you :) Needless to say, I did many demonstrations and paid the price the following morning when I had to wake early to go bearing gifts to my daughter who turned sixteen...

Sunday

After some grocery shopping in the afternoon, I popped into my other local to see if my cousin was around, and bumped into a couple I hadn't seen in a while, and ended up in the middle of a domestic quarrel... she was just far too drunk, and was going on and on about an incident which I am not going to get into. Luckily, her lesbian friend was with, so we sat on the other side of the table, pretending to ignore them, and she has promised to introduce me to her gay brother haha!

Today was a looong day brought on by way too much over indulgence (there were more tequilas on Sunday afternoon...)

So... I am leaving the attempt at dating again for a while. The diet is actually going well, down 3 kg's despite the seemingly endless party this month. I am expecting this job offer to actually materialise in the next two days, and work is going well. Challenging as hell, but going well.

I also have an appointment with my life coach/psychologist next week. I need a 'checkup' and to discuss my career with her. She is just the most amazing woman I have ever met, and if she weren't so damn expensive, I would pay just to go and chat every couple of weeks...

(And she has a hot toyboy third husband lol who does lead glass art and is often seen shirtless heading from the workshop to the house across the lawn from the waiting rooms)

Well, that was a post long in the coming...

Sleep well blogland...

End of a dry spell

I met LL about three yrs ago through a mutual (girl) friend, Claire. He made it pretty clear that he liked me back then already, but I declined his advances for whatever reasons. I guess in the main because I am attracted to younger than what was on offer lol...

anyways, over time, we've swopped a few txts and msg's on Manhunt etc...

So last night he txts me : Come over to Claire's place for wine and nakedness later.

It was pretty cold, and I was already settled in front of the heater preparing for some soccer action.

Wes, Underwearboy and I had met earlier to go over plans for our road trip to the England game in a few days. Wes was grumpy for some reason, and it had dampened my mood. So I just thought ah fuck it, showered and headed off to Claire's place - some 20km away, armed with a bottle of wine...

Her place is really small, but she is a barrel of fun, and we stood around in the kitchen, drinking wine, then a few shooters and stuff. Eventually, LL says to Claire that he and I are going off to his place (nearby) where I was to sleep because of the alcohol consumption and driving issues.

It was all just so easy - i guess it has to do with the fact that we are both older guys with no real hangups...

It felt like a Tiger had been awoken in me. He was so in to me that it made it amazing..

I am such a weak kneed bottom with a guy with a beautiful cock and such willingness...

I guess we just didn't stop for two hours, showering together at a kind of half time at some point.

It was good to wake next to someone, especially with someone who tried so hard to make me comfortable, made me coffee.

Not sure if we will do it again shortly, but it was a great release for both of us having both been dry for too long lol...

We all need a confidence boost every now and then.

And so the boys and I are headed off to PE tomorrow night for the game. We'll drive through the night so we have some time to relax and walk along the beach. It's about 1200km, but it is a road I have traveled far too many times in my life, and it is a good road mostly. My car goes in for her service tomorrow, so all should be in top condition when we head off. We would leave earlier, but Wes has to work late.

Laterz...

Soccer fever is upon us!

So from counting down from 600 days, the madness is now fully in the swing of things! Our own team hasn't fared well, and it will take a 3-0 victory against France to stay in the game (which, judging by last night's game isn't entirely impossible).

More importantly though, we have had an influx of tourists the likes of which we haven't ever seen before, and they have brought with them a plethora of currencies to spend. Yes, prices have inflated somewhat (especially domestic flights between venues and boutique hotels), but I guess that is just the nature of a demand economy.

The hosting has been good in other ways though. Even though our roads upgrade programwas already on track, the Cup has pushed to complete many projects ahead of schedule. Unfortunately, where I live is not on a 'world cup route', so roadworks are still a major issue, whereas along major routes, all works have been suspended until everyone has left us and we can once again breathe a sigh of relief. We are really not accustomed to working this hard lol.

Another project which was pushed forward (thankfully) was the high speed rail from the Airport to Sandton (the main groove where tourists stay and wags shop). In context, it should be noted that our public transport system has been informal to say the least, let alone down right dangerous.

But, as part of a much wider project involving replacing informal 'taxis' (death traps for the poor that use them), with a really modern and reliable bus system; the highspeed rail system (dubbed The Gautrain) has been slowly taking shape.

The girls and I took the train from the Airport (close to where I live) and painlessly covered the normally one hour in traffic trip into Sandton in 14 minutes.... It seems that everyone in the the country want to taste 'normal' public transport, so while it is still in novelty stage, travelling on the weekend is a pain with queues of excited first time users.

Add to that, once we arrived in Sandton, the vibe was unbeleiavably festive, punctuated by many hot soccer boys from all over the world trying their hands (mouths) at Vuvuzela-ing...

I have been on a bit of a break in terms of my normal work for a couple of months. During this time, I have set up a studio of sorts. More of an image idea centre. There are so many creative things that can be done with ordinary photo's... so yeah, once I have kitted the place out, photo's will follow. It's a smallish space, but part of the reason for taking the space, was to set up a place to work away from home, where I seldom can be very productive..

And OMG it is fucking freezing here at the moment! We haven't seen such low temps in June for at least twenty years. Last night it dropped to -10c! That's unheard of in these parts...

Universal Truths

Life is strange sometimes, but I think the older we get, the more predictable things become. My guess is this is a function of experience, but it also has a lot to do with realizing that the more things change, the more they essentially stay the same.

I used to lie awake at night pondering the meaning of life and wondering where our next source of energy will come from. At some point I guess I realized that from my point of view, and in the bigger scheme of things, I am really just a tiny speck in the relevance of things universal.

More and more lately though, my questions have revolved more around why we as humanity are so intrinsically stoopid....

I mean seriously:

What makes a difference in religion so important?

Or a skin colour?

Why do we still have borders?

Borders have served to separate people and masses being manipulated by dictating within those borders what they are allowed to do, say, watch, think, worship, drive, learn....

The EU has shown that borders are simply a waste of time. Already, peoples have naturally drifted to where they feel comfortable, and others have stayed simply because they feel rooted to their birthplace.

In my own experience, Apartheid could only be enforced when knowledge and communication was kept away from those being oppressed. Conversely, tacit support for the system was maintained because the so called 'oppressor' portion of the population (actually just the non-oppressed), didn't really understand what it was their very own government was doing. If we had had access to the internet back then (or even international news via television), the system would have not been able to support itself for so many years. The government's own 'supporters' would have been able to see what was happening from an external point of view.

Robert Mugabe obviously doesn't know how to use Google.

And neither does Julius Malema.

Google them both.

Enter the unpronounceable Icelandic Volcano.

Observe how fragile we are when air travel (basic form of communication) is suspended by nature.

Imagine the internet being down for a week.

Imagine an onslaught on relatively defenseless satellites.

An undersea cable cut or two....

It's kinda exciting though. It has been an almost surreal experience much like watching Operation Desert Storm live on CNN.

Even though I know many people have suffered because of the travel issues, at least 200,000 (already poor and suffering) people haven't died.

It's almost amusing. And it makes life interesting from where I stand.

Away from the coast and any danger of Tsunamis.

Away from any continental faults and hence danger from earthquakes and volcanoes.

Not close enough to any polar region to experience horribly cold weather.

Not close enough to the equator to experience horribly hot weather.

All I really have to worry about is being murdered in my house.

And being hit by a meteor.

I sleep well.

later...

Hello from the East Coast (Not the one with snow)

So here I am, on the East Coast of South Africa, Durban more specifically, Umshlanga more specifically than that.

I am staying at a resort (lifestyle hotel) for the week, and tonight is my last night. Its pretty much Cancun, but just 5 hrs drive and and about one tenth of the price (excluding airfares). And good weather follows me, so despite the fact that they have had THE wettest summer in history, we had a major storm on Wednesday night, followed by a day of 28c drizzle and overcast, the weather has been amazing - 30c, 80% humidity - which spells speedo, surfers and everything that goes with it.

Anyway, a week of many things, but tonight, I was walking back to the hotel from the only Hooters franchise in SA, when I happened upon three very hot guys - one of which was taking a pee - and just became involved in a looong conversation.

kay, drunk etc, so I guess I will flesh out this post in the next few days...

Where are you?

So much I wanted to say, yet can't seem to find the words...

This is not about resolutions, but 2009 was an absolute drought for me in so many ways. Since November, I have been consulting again - which of course is good - but it also means that I have about fifteen minutes of free time every day.

I have also been taking Zyban to attempt the stop smoking thing... and it has a few side effects. The major one is that I have so much more energy during the day, and manage somehow to get so much more done each hour. I don't feel weird or anything as some people have told me, it just makes me feel more ... aware.

And on Saturday night, I went out on my own to a new place - just a local kind of pub. I was sitting just having a drink, and watching soccer on the TV, when this really cute guy starts chatting to me...

Now I have also had this lack of need to get lucky for a while (since stalker chick I guess), but it was also refreshing to have some attention.

Anyway, further into the conversation, it was pretty clear he was str8 and was just looking for some conversation while he waited for his gf who was working as a waitress at an Indonesian restaurant up the road...

Okay, so many connections... the manager of the restaurant where his gf works is the first guy I kissed after my ex and I separated. I also have a picture of him embedded in my memory trying to get my cock and my friends in his mouth whole we were all very drunk and in the shower.

His gf arrived at around 11pm with Chris (another restuarant employee) and Chris's nephew... (omg I want him).

We all ended up at some out of the way country type dance club......

And Chris and I snogged in a dark alley before we left and I am still not sure why..

So back to the subject at hand.

I feel like this year is gong to be one of reawakening for me. Yes, I have no time for much at the moment because of work, but that's good in a way... I am prepaying this yr's expenses and building some fat for just in case.....

Not sure what else to say right now...... Love you all - seriously

End of November Update

That other Seth inspired me to pop in here and just update everyone.

Basically, I am working like a dog at the moment - a happy dog though.

It's a time of consolidating debt, and investing in new ventures. I finally received a mock up of my photography website and am truly excited. It's so much better when you give these kinds of things to people who actually know what they are doing - and through some luck, the designer working on my site is talented too. My brief was simple: Besides some functionality that I require, you have a clean sheet to do whatever you want.

In other updates...

Umm.. life is pretty devoid of anything too exciting actually haha! It's damned hot here today, but there's a promise of a good thunderstorm or two in the air. Always my favourite kind of weather. OMG I am talking about the weather ....

Last month, just about every last cent went into debt and prepaying stuff for next year like school fees etc. Also, Wes and spoilt ourselves a little in the beginning of the month with a pedicure, massage and a 45 minute lie in a 'flotation pool' - basically an over sized jacuzzi filled with body temperature water and tons of Epsom salt so that floating is much like a dead sea experience. Meditation music and sounds are fed underwater, and the the room is darkened with twinkly star-like lights in the black ceiling above. The water is gently rotated so that you slowly go round. It really was a very cool experience, but now that it has been done, I am not sure it really interests me to do it again.

My Photoshopping work has basically ended for the year, so there is a little more relax time available. case in point: I invited my step mom and half brother over for lunch last sunday. She came bearing a box of old photo's which pertains more to my dad's first marriage (the one I was spawned from). So we had a lot of fun going through some old pics...

I hardly know my half brother, having met him for the first time last year in twenty-two years when he was just a toddler. So it was a good time to laugh and break the ice a little more. He and stepmom live closer now, so I am trying to make an effort to keep us in touch more often.

My mom and stepmom spent a lot of time joking about what a real ass my dad was. Lol, he basically a good, intelligent, good looking man with a really good career. But his roving cock and insatiable sex drive spoilt every good element of his personality. We are still not really sure how many illegitimate siblings we may have out there. I know of one definite, and both my mom and stepmom have suspicions about a couple of others.

I had some issues with payment from the consultatncy i work through this month. Basically a stoopid paperwork bog down so corporately typical of the type of thing that makes me want to puke rather than wear a tie. So I mailed the CEO this morning - despise titles too by the way. I must have rewritten about five or six time to make sure I don't sound like a whiny employee, but rather a professional who is making a lot of money for them, and who has not been paid because some admin manageress hasn't mailed me a copy of my contract - something that should have been done last week Wednesday. I gently expressed my frustration that waiting around for a piece of paper has cost me a day and a half of a deadline driven schedule which is frustrating their biggest client.

I copied the mail to said manageress (those titles again).

Needless to say, I received a well rehearsed call of apology from her minutes after I received the contract. Her excuses were clearly lies - she can't even do that properly, but at least I received my apology - but more importantly, my contract as well proof that my overdue payment has been made. I was very nice to her, but asked how she would feel if her boss simply forgot to pay her on time just before Christmas because he was 'too busy'.

I hate going into overdraft...

My friend Nix is doing a course to help get over her irrational fear of flying. Obviously to me and most people I know, it certainly seems irrational. But I was reminded of how seemingly silly fears can be mountains for others when I had to go to the Tax office to get some documentation. Irrationally, I really become stupidly anxious when dealing with tax issues. I am not cheating, nor do I have anything to hide, and I am always on time with my returns etc etc.... but I break into a cold sweat and physically tremble.

I think it is because when i was just out of school and I started this little business at some point, and I just let all the paperwork get out of hand. They decided to audit my affairs and the subsequent interview felt like the Spanish Inquisition.

I really really dislike administration type stuff.....

Well that's me for now. A long dry sex season, no-one to call my own for now, and piles of work to get through before tomorrow.

But pretty content.

A good feeling

I was going back through some of my posts as I had given a link to my blog to someone who knows me personally...

It's amazing to look back and watch the ups and downs from a distance. I tried to put myself in my new follower's shoes to imagine how she might feel taking a deep long look into my inner space.

That space that is usually reserved for the anonymity of this blog.

She knows the non-fiction characters that play out almost fictionally here.

It's scary. But for a good cause.

And I finally got rid of that pesky pop-up thing that was plaguing my blog - thanks to those who advised me how.

Procrasturbating I have been... better get back to work. My laptop still hasn't arrived. I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa, and he just ain't comin'! Perhaps he's not real after all.

Oh, and Wes finally told Ali and I that he has been 'kinda seeing someone' for about a month. Let's hope this one doesn't leave him with the need for months of therapy afterwards. I wonder when we will meet him :) I hope I am not over critical lol.

Laterz!

A leetle update

Day Job - Building virtual 3D models of underground geology

Going really well. Seems the contract will run beyond March which is good news. Will allow me to build up a good cushion for slow months. My first invoice gets paid tomorrow. Most will go to clearing all my debt and doing some maintenance on the car which is working overtime right now. My second invoice (end of next month) will go to spoiling myself, and subsequent payments will go to savings.

Evening Job - Photo Retouching

I am hating this now. Been doing it too long for the same clients, who take the same pics, and I do the same stuff over and over..... already told my biggest client that I am going to find someone else to do his work cos I just don't have the time or motivation to continue. And I am just too cheap anyway - classic overworked underpaid scenario.

Weekend Job - Actual real event photography (no weddings thank you)

Been doing some dance competitions and despite no real selling efforts on my part, it is starting to significantly cover my beer bill (which is what Evening Job started out as). And I really enjoy it. So I am having a website set up over the next few weeks, with an ordering system etc etc... and I am going to invest in a new lens, and later also a new camera (one with fewer numbers Torchy!)

And I am shopping for a Laptop, and was wondering about Win7....

Vista and the software I use for my A-Job don't work well together, so I stick to XP. The Laptop I want comes with XP discs (Vista loaded) but they also offering 7 as an option.

And the software is just too expensive (the cost of about 200 laptops) to upgrade to the Vista friendly version. And the 'new' version of my current s/ware doesn't have any significant improvements in the areas I work in....

Lol, the office I work from is full of (about fifteen) people that just sit behind their screens and work. And only one eye candy candidate among the lot of them. I went out to the open plan area and put the question about Win7 out there, and all I got was looks of "look, he talks!"

I have my own office, which I have figured out is the domain of the directors only.... so I think they think I am a demi-god or something.

Anyways, the eye-candy guy came round after a few minutes and was pretty friendly in a subordinate kind of way (Images of handcuffs and a four poster bed) and chatted about W7 and other tech stuff I wasn't really listening to....

And I am also getting that stupid error message pop-up when I want to view my blog! I wonder what the fuck it is...

Um....

Some pressure is off. My photographer client stuff was delivered tonight. Worked till after 1am last night to finish off.

Had a super productive day at work, and found myself finished by 3pm, so I headed for home and found time to to take a power nap before fetching my daughter who is spending the night.

She is super stressed cos she dropped to a C in one of her subjects, but she will be okay. Her mom is the one who puts the pressure on.

I may even get 8hrs sleep tonight if it comes.

I hate being cranky through lack of sleep.....

Nighty night fellow bloggers....

Magnet

So I had a really crappy day yesterday, but it just served to remind me that my ability to say "no" is seriously lacking. I need lessons, or a Personal (hot boy) Assistant - or both.

This is not to say I always just wanna please others, I have serious empathy for those in need, and often put others' needs ahead of my own.

I am getting there though... lolz....

So yesterday, 630am, the ex calls and immediately starts at me with a seriously raised voice. I don't think she really has latched onto the concept of divorce where this scenario really doesn't play out well with me anymore. So I hang up. So she calls again, and I ask her before she starts to talk whether she is still going to shout or else I will just hang up again. It's really easy when she is geographically somewhere else. Just prod the End Call button.

So I hung up again after about 42 seconds when the volume got to banshee.

Karma is going to bite her in the ass one day, that is one thing I am sure of.

More to the story and why, but it's really not important except that I am just tired of being taken advantage of.

Later, Craig calls me to ask if I can help him with a budget proposal. So I laugh and tell him sure, around June 23rd 2010 after 4pm.

Even later, my ex mother-in-law texts me to ask if I can meet her (today) and not to tell my ex (like I am even talking to her right now after the morning fiasco).

So I have lunch with her today, only to hear she has lost her job etc etc.... She knows I can't help her, but I think she just needed to share.

And Wesley boy is sick as hell (personally I think Tick Bite fever), so I went for a short visit and made him some chamomile tea while he moaned on the couch. Speaking of Wesley....

I am getting some signals from him that I hope I am misreading. The last thing I need is for him to declare some sort of need for anything romantically inclined... Small things like "I been missing seeing you the last few days" texts. I been working really long hours, so being social is not on my agenda right now.

Last Saturday, we spent the whole day together, starting out with a two hour breakfast, a trip to the mega hardware place (we both love hardware stores), then a long walk through a bunch of furniture and home decor places. After that, we did some meat on the fire with salads and stuff at his place, and lay on the couch watching dvd's till latish in the evening.

All that was missing was holding hands at the stores, and lying in each others arms at home, and heading off to bed together.... the rest makes everyone else think we are a married couple. Lying on the couch, there was this air of almost sexual tension which I haven't felt with him for ages.

Like I really need a complication like that right now lol......

Oh, and Friday night, we went to some old friends of mine for dinner - like a couple.....

Though after he left, one of the girls said to me she doesn't think he is intelligent enough for me hehe... actually, he was drunk when he arrived, having come straight from a work lunch thingy at the local pub.

So today... is ummm... two and half days since we last saw each other and he texts that he is missing me...

He is a long way from getting over Andrew though. I actually think it's almost exactly three yrs ago since we actually slept together. Will have to check my journal.

And I had a really good, productive day today. My current daily schedule is as follows:

05.30 wake, shower, breakfast, coffee.

06.15 - 08.00 long drive thru the traffic to work

08.00 - 16.00 put in my 8 hrs eating a packed lunch while behind the laptop

16.00 - 17.30 long drive home

17.30 - 18.00 me time

18.00 - 19.00 dinner

19.00 - 20.00 internet time

20.00 - 23.00 photo work (2nd income job)

23.00 - 0.00 me time (blush)

and start all over again........

It can be debilitating at times

It always amazes me how a fleeting smell, a flicker of an image, an unexpected emotional state, can bring back a sudden flood of memories.

Yesterday, it was the Dead Poets Society. Specifically the character Neil Perry (Robert Sean Leonard).

Though the personality of the character didn't match, his mannerisms, smile, jawline, nose... they were all my high school boy friend. My very secret high school boyfriend.

I dreamed of him all night last night, heard his laugh.

I cried in my dreams as he left.

It left me feeling in the weirdest down mood I have had in ages. Sometimes it feels like I am living someone else's life, like I silently watch as it plays out in front of me, with only minimal control, devoid of real emotion.

I will be better tomorrow, but tonight is for him as I go back and hold his hand.

We swapped three short mails about five years ago, but they were just empty keystrokes from both of us. I wish I could tell him I loved him without consequence.

Too many 'what ifs' today.

Dear *insert highschool bf here*

Dear A,

It's been more years than I care to contemplate since I have seen you.

I think about you still after all this time.

Your shy smile.... It's brief flashes in company almost as if you never wanted others to see it. The generosity of it when we were alone. It shone in the light, and glowed warm in the dark.

The touch of your lips... Never has a kiss meant so much, spoke so much, been so insanely gentle. The way we could simply be so close, a single molecule of yours against mine. We breathed each other in. The night we lay in the dark, whispering words quietly, the words meaning nothing, but the touch of our lips as we spoke saying everything.

Your laugh, how it still makes me cry...

Your skin, the back of your hands, the shape of your neck.

The way you sat, the way you stood quietly in the shadows, silently watching me.

I have never loved anyone the way I loved you.

I watched a movie yesterday. For a fleeting moment, in one of the characters, I saw your eyes, the jawline, the shy way you look up.

I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of you.

I am just sorry that it was all so confusing for both of us, so overwhelming, so intense.

It's days like these I like to imagine being with you, no words, just back in the forest, lying side by side on the cool pine needles.

And I wonder, as you go about your life, with your wife, with your kids, tending farmers horses, looking after spinsters' cats. I wonder if you ever look back at that one night, when we forgot about the impossibility of it all, the one night we never questioned one facet, that one night a miracle gave us enough time alone to wake together with the sun on our feet.

It's hard not being able to fall out of love.

I love you still.

S

Building puzzles and not getting much sleep

So I am working my ass off at the moment. I managed to secure a small loan to make it through October till my first pay day with this contract.

It's been interesting - a lot of goal post changing, and a few challenges.

Today I drove 100km to site only to find I had left my data behind on the old memory stick in my bedroom.... So I drove back, sped through the last of the data and mailed them the results aghh!

I guess it happened because I have been giving two of my friends a hard time about doing similar things over the last few weeks. Wes twice left his laptop at home last week, and Gav left his laptop and cellphone at a friends pub in London on a quick stopover from Budapest- He has his laptop (life) back, though the cell phone loss may have occurred during the inebriated trip to Heathrow.

And speaking of Gav - he is up from Cape Town for the weekend for a wedding on Saturday, so got to spend some time with him and Stef today.

And apparently the Italian government considers Gav and I citizens due to some technical procedural thing when our great grandfather emigrated here more than a hundred years ago.

Stef proposed to me today on this basis hehe! Funny thing is that we could probably make a balanced couple.... As he was leaving he said he would call to invite me over for dinner, because we had to start planning soon. A June wedding is apparently what he wants. lol... Imagine a young version of Meatloaf, only more fem....

Had a long chat to him about his recent breakup, and we chatted about what happened between Nev and I too. I don't see him nearly enough since he moved to the city, though he insisted I come to their Halloween Party, well HallowQueen Party technically as all costumes have to be drag. have to check my busy schedule though.....

So since I never got much done today with the silly to and from the middle of nowhere and Stef and Gav being around for the rest of the day, I guess I need to put in some hours tonight.

And Nix won't be here for Christmas.....

But she will be here April with her son. It will be better in terms of timing, and Durban is not as unbearably humid as it is over December. She may have a few more chapters done on her book by then which should be interesting. One of the characters is loosely based on me....

My cat is meowing for attention. His latest thing is to stomp all over the keyboard while I am trying to work.... silly boi, he's not exactly small either.

And I've been so damn horny lately..... almost annoyingly so.

Quick general update

Okay, so I haven't blogged for a wee bit, but that's a sure sign that things are running better in my life right now.

So work: Day Three officially yesterday (Today is a useless public holiday).

I have been stressing because I work with different software to the rest of the team, and my data hasn't been matching up. The ramifications are huge. So basically, I have been importing their data, and it just never seems to register the same co-ords in space.

So on Tuesday I told the project leader that I am going to the client to try and resolve this issue. And I am getting looks of "you don't really know what you are doing, do you?"

My gut feel is that my data is right, and their's is wrong, but my panic is that I am missing something through being a little rusty with the whole system.

Four hours into trying to make a case, the client project manager reruns their process and comes up with a fundamental flaw in their own system. Ten Points For ME!!!!!

The problem is that their raw data was flawed, and they have used this data through several steps which now have to be re-done. Three months work literally down the drain pipe....

And good old Sethy has been mandated to redo all the work. This is good. More work = more hours = more pay lolz. They already know me as Dr Fixit at the client.

Now I just got to get thru financially till the end of Oct. Not really sure how I am going to manage it.....

Drank tequial last night haha! Was out with Wes. I could so have done really naughty things with him haha. I must have kissed him five or six times during the evening, inspiring many giggles from our waitress who just can't fathom why we are not a real couple. And a number of dirty looks from the more conservative patrons....

So I am off to Wes's parents place for a braai (bbq in otherspeak). Beer, sunshine, cricket, Wes, braai... a good day in all.

Saturday

Johnno and I


Me, Iain and Duma

9.35am Rugby, Happiness, SA 1-Oz and NZ 0, Tri-Nations FTW! Beer.

11.30am Breakfast with Wes, Happiness.

1.00pm Iain, Beer, Happiness.

2.00pm Iain, Johnno and Fam, Duma, Happiness, Beer.

6.00pm Home, Supper, Coffee, Happiness.

A good day