Where are you?

So much I wanted to say, yet can't seem to find the words...

This is not about resolutions, but 2009 was an absolute drought for me in so many ways. Since November, I have been consulting again - which of course is good - but it also means that I have about fifteen minutes of free time every day.

I have also been taking Zyban to attempt the stop smoking thing... and it has a few side effects. The major one is that I have so much more energy during the day, and manage somehow to get so much more done each hour. I don't feel weird or anything as some people have told me, it just makes me feel more ... aware.

And on Saturday night, I went out on my own to a new place - just a local kind of pub. I was sitting just having a drink, and watching soccer on the TV, when this really cute guy starts chatting to me...

Now I have also had this lack of need to get lucky for a while (since stalker chick I guess), but it was also refreshing to have some attention.

Anyway, further into the conversation, it was pretty clear he was str8 and was just looking for some conversation while he waited for his gf who was working as a waitress at an Indonesian restaurant up the road...

Okay, so many connections... the manager of the restaurant where his gf works is the first guy I kissed after my ex and I separated. I also have a picture of him embedded in my memory trying to get my cock and my friends in his mouth whole we were all very drunk and in the shower.

His gf arrived at around 11pm with Chris (another restuarant employee) and Chris's nephew... (omg I want him).

We all ended up at some out of the way country type dance club......

And Chris and I snogged in a dark alley before we left and I am still not sure why..

So back to the subject at hand.

I feel like this year is gong to be one of reawakening for me. Yes, I have no time for much at the moment because of work, but that's good in a way... I am prepaying this yr's expenses and building some fat for just in case.....

Not sure what else to say right now...... Love you all - seriously

End of November Update

That other Seth inspired me to pop in here and just update everyone.

Basically, I am working like a dog at the moment - a happy dog though.

It's a time of consolidating debt, and investing in new ventures. I finally received a mock up of my photography website and am truly excited. It's so much better when you give these kinds of things to people who actually know what they are doing - and through some luck, the designer working on my site is talented too. My brief was simple: Besides some functionality that I require, you have a clean sheet to do whatever you want.

In other updates...

Umm.. life is pretty devoid of anything too exciting actually haha! It's damned hot here today, but there's a promise of a good thunderstorm or two in the air. Always my favourite kind of weather. OMG I am talking about the weather ....

Last month, just about every last cent went into debt and prepaying stuff for next year like school fees etc. Also, Wes and spoilt ourselves a little in the beginning of the month with a pedicure, massage and a 45 minute lie in a 'flotation pool' - basically an over sized jacuzzi filled with body temperature water and tons of Epsom salt so that floating is much like a dead sea experience. Meditation music and sounds are fed underwater, and the the room is darkened with twinkly star-like lights in the black ceiling above. The water is gently rotated so that you slowly go round. It really was a very cool experience, but now that it has been done, I am not sure it really interests me to do it again.

My Photoshopping work has basically ended for the year, so there is a little more relax time available. case in point: I invited my step mom and half brother over for lunch last sunday. She came bearing a box of old photo's which pertains more to my dad's first marriage (the one I was spawned from). So we had a lot of fun going through some old pics...

I hardly know my half brother, having met him for the first time last year in twenty-two years when he was just a toddler. So it was a good time to laugh and break the ice a little more. He and stepmom live closer now, so I am trying to make an effort to keep us in touch more often.

My mom and stepmom spent a lot of time joking about what a real ass my dad was. Lol, he basically a good, intelligent, good looking man with a really good career. But his roving cock and insatiable sex drive spoilt every good element of his personality. We are still not really sure how many illegitimate siblings we may have out there. I know of one definite, and both my mom and stepmom have suspicions about a couple of others.

I had some issues with payment from the consultatncy i work through this month. Basically a stoopid paperwork bog down so corporately typical of the type of thing that makes me want to puke rather than wear a tie. So I mailed the CEO this morning - despise titles too by the way. I must have rewritten about five or six time to make sure I don't sound like a whiny employee, but rather a professional who is making a lot of money for them, and who has not been paid because some admin manageress hasn't mailed me a copy of my contract - something that should have been done last week Wednesday. I gently expressed my frustration that waiting around for a piece of paper has cost me a day and a half of a deadline driven schedule which is frustrating their biggest client.

I copied the mail to said manageress (those titles again).

Needless to say, I received a well rehearsed call of apology from her minutes after I received the contract. Her excuses were clearly lies - she can't even do that properly, but at least I received my apology - but more importantly, my contract as well proof that my overdue payment has been made. I was very nice to her, but asked how she would feel if her boss simply forgot to pay her on time just before Christmas because he was 'too busy'.

I hate going into overdraft...

My friend Nix is doing a course to help get over her irrational fear of flying. Obviously to me and most people I know, it certainly seems irrational. But I was reminded of how seemingly silly fears can be mountains for others when I had to go to the Tax office to get some documentation. Irrationally, I really become stupidly anxious when dealing with tax issues. I am not cheating, nor do I have anything to hide, and I am always on time with my returns etc etc.... but I break into a cold sweat and physically tremble.

I think it is because when i was just out of school and I started this little business at some point, and I just let all the paperwork get out of hand. They decided to audit my affairs and the subsequent interview felt like the Spanish Inquisition.

I really really dislike administration type stuff.....

Well that's me for now. A long dry sex season, no-one to call my own for now, and piles of work to get through before tomorrow.

But pretty content.

A good feeling

I was going back through some of my posts as I had given a link to my blog to someone who knows me personally...

It's amazing to look back and watch the ups and downs from a distance. I tried to put myself in my new follower's shoes to imagine how she might feel taking a deep long look into my inner space.

That space that is usually reserved for the anonymity of this blog.

She knows the non-fiction characters that play out almost fictionally here.

It's scary. But for a good cause.

And I finally got rid of that pesky pop-up thing that was plaguing my blog - thanks to those who advised me how.

Procrasturbating I have been... better get back to work. My laptop still hasn't arrived. I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa, and he just ain't comin'! Perhaps he's not real after all.

Oh, and Wes finally told Ali and I that he has been 'kinda seeing someone' for about a month. Let's hope this one doesn't leave him with the need for months of therapy afterwards. I wonder when we will meet him :) I hope I am not over critical lol.

Laterz!

A leetle update

Day Job - Building virtual 3D models of underground geology

Going really well. Seems the contract will run beyond March which is good news. Will allow me to build up a good cushion for slow months. My first invoice gets paid tomorrow. Most will go to clearing all my debt and doing some maintenance on the car which is working overtime right now. My second invoice (end of next month) will go to spoiling myself, and subsequent payments will go to savings.

Evening Job - Photo Retouching

I am hating this now. Been doing it too long for the same clients, who take the same pics, and I do the same stuff over and over..... already told my biggest client that I am going to find someone else to do his work cos I just don't have the time or motivation to continue. And I am just too cheap anyway - classic overworked underpaid scenario.

Weekend Job - Actual real event photography (no weddings thank you)

Been doing some dance competitions and despite no real selling efforts on my part, it is starting to significantly cover my beer bill (which is what Evening Job started out as). And I really enjoy it. So I am having a website set up over the next few weeks, with an ordering system etc etc... and I am going to invest in a new lens, and later also a new camera (one with fewer numbers Torchy!)

And I am shopping for a Laptop, and was wondering about Win7....

Vista and the software I use for my A-Job don't work well together, so I stick to XP. The Laptop I want comes with XP discs (Vista loaded) but they also offering 7 as an option.

And the software is just too expensive (the cost of about 200 laptops) to upgrade to the Vista friendly version. And the 'new' version of my current s/ware doesn't have any significant improvements in the areas I work in....

Lol, the office I work from is full of (about fifteen) people that just sit behind their screens and work. And only one eye candy candidate among the lot of them. I went out to the open plan area and put the question about Win7 out there, and all I got was looks of "look, he talks!"

I have my own office, which I have figured out is the domain of the directors only.... so I think they think I am a demi-god or something.

Anyways, the eye-candy guy came round after a few minutes and was pretty friendly in a subordinate kind of way (Images of handcuffs and a four poster bed) and chatted about W7 and other tech stuff I wasn't really listening to....

And I am also getting that stupid error message pop-up when I want to view my blog! I wonder what the fuck it is...

Um....

Some pressure is off. My photographer client stuff was delivered tonight. Worked till after 1am last night to finish off.

Had a super productive day at work, and found myself finished by 3pm, so I headed for home and found time to to take a power nap before fetching my daughter who is spending the night.

She is super stressed cos she dropped to a C in one of her subjects, but she will be okay. Her mom is the one who puts the pressure on.

I may even get 8hrs sleep tonight if it comes.

I hate being cranky through lack of sleep.....

Nighty night fellow bloggers....

Magnet

So I had a really crappy day yesterday, but it just served to remind me that my ability to say "no" is seriously lacking. I need lessons, or a Personal (hot boy) Assistant - or both.

This is not to say I always just wanna please others, I have serious empathy for those in need, and often put others' needs ahead of my own.

I am getting there though... lolz....

So yesterday, 630am, the ex calls and immediately starts at me with a seriously raised voice. I don't think she really has latched onto the concept of divorce where this scenario really doesn't play out well with me anymore. So I hang up. So she calls again, and I ask her before she starts to talk whether she is still going to shout or else I will just hang up again. It's really easy when she is geographically somewhere else. Just prod the End Call button.

So I hung up again after about 42 seconds when the volume got to banshee.

Karma is going to bite her in the ass one day, that is one thing I am sure of.

More to the story and why, but it's really not important except that I am just tired of being taken advantage of.

Later, Craig calls me to ask if I can help him with a budget proposal. So I laugh and tell him sure, around June 23rd 2010 after 4pm.

Even later, my ex mother-in-law texts me to ask if I can meet her (today) and not to tell my ex (like I am even talking to her right now after the morning fiasco).

So I have lunch with her today, only to hear she has lost her job etc etc.... She knows I can't help her, but I think she just needed to share.

And Wesley boy is sick as hell (personally I think Tick Bite fever), so I went for a short visit and made him some chamomile tea while he moaned on the couch. Speaking of Wesley....

I am getting some signals from him that I hope I am misreading. The last thing I need is for him to declare some sort of need for anything romantically inclined... Small things like "I been missing seeing you the last few days" texts. I been working really long hours, so being social is not on my agenda right now.

Last Saturday, we spent the whole day together, starting out with a two hour breakfast, a trip to the mega hardware place (we both love hardware stores), then a long walk through a bunch of furniture and home decor places. After that, we did some meat on the fire with salads and stuff at his place, and lay on the couch watching dvd's till latish in the evening.

All that was missing was holding hands at the stores, and lying in each others arms at home, and heading off to bed together.... the rest makes everyone else think we are a married couple. Lying on the couch, there was this air of almost sexual tension which I haven't felt with him for ages.

Like I really need a complication like that right now lol......

Oh, and Friday night, we went to some old friends of mine for dinner - like a couple.....

Though after he left, one of the girls said to me she doesn't think he is intelligent enough for me hehe... actually, he was drunk when he arrived, having come straight from a work lunch thingy at the local pub.

So today... is ummm... two and half days since we last saw each other and he texts that he is missing me...

He is a long way from getting over Andrew though. I actually think it's almost exactly three yrs ago since we actually slept together. Will have to check my journal.

And I had a really good, productive day today. My current daily schedule is as follows:

05.30 wake, shower, breakfast, coffee.

06.15 - 08.00 long drive thru the traffic to work

08.00 - 16.00 put in my 8 hrs eating a packed lunch while behind the laptop

16.00 - 17.30 long drive home

17.30 - 18.00 me time

18.00 - 19.00 dinner

19.00 - 20.00 internet time

20.00 - 23.00 photo work (2nd income job)

23.00 - 0.00 me time (blush)

and start all over again........

It can be debilitating at times

It always amazes me how a fleeting smell, a flicker of an image, an unexpected emotional state, can bring back a sudden flood of memories.

Yesterday, it was the Dead Poets Society. Specifically the character Neil Perry (Robert Sean Leonard).

Though the personality of the character didn't match, his mannerisms, smile, jawline, nose... they were all my high school boy friend. My very secret high school boyfriend.

I dreamed of him all night last night, heard his laugh.

I cried in my dreams as he left.

It left me feeling in the weirdest down mood I have had in ages. Sometimes it feels like I am living someone else's life, like I silently watch as it plays out in front of me, with only minimal control, devoid of real emotion.

I will be better tomorrow, but tonight is for him as I go back and hold his hand.

We swapped three short mails about five years ago, but they were just empty keystrokes from both of us. I wish I could tell him I loved him without consequence.

Too many 'what ifs' today.

Dear *insert highschool bf here*

Dear A,

It's been more years than I care to contemplate since I have seen you.

I think about you still after all this time.

Your shy smile.... It's brief flashes in company almost as if you never wanted others to see it. The generosity of it when we were alone. It shone in the light, and glowed warm in the dark.

The touch of your lips... Never has a kiss meant so much, spoke so much, been so insanely gentle. The way we could simply be so close, a single molecule of yours against mine. We breathed each other in. The night we lay in the dark, whispering words quietly, the words meaning nothing, but the touch of our lips as we spoke saying everything.

Your laugh, how it still makes me cry...

Your skin, the back of your hands, the shape of your neck.

The way you sat, the way you stood quietly in the shadows, silently watching me.

I have never loved anyone the way I loved you.

I watched a movie yesterday. For a fleeting moment, in one of the characters, I saw your eyes, the jawline, the shy way you look up.

I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of you.

I am just sorry that it was all so confusing for both of us, so overwhelming, so intense.

It's days like these I like to imagine being with you, no words, just back in the forest, lying side by side on the cool pine needles.

And I wonder, as you go about your life, with your wife, with your kids, tending farmers horses, looking after spinsters' cats. I wonder if you ever look back at that one night, when we forgot about the impossibility of it all, the one night we never questioned one facet, that one night a miracle gave us enough time alone to wake together with the sun on our feet.

It's hard not being able to fall out of love.

I love you still.

S

Building puzzles and not getting much sleep

So I am working my ass off at the moment. I managed to secure a small loan to make it through October till my first pay day with this contract.

It's been interesting - a lot of goal post changing, and a few challenges.

Today I drove 100km to site only to find I had left my data behind on the old memory stick in my bedroom.... So I drove back, sped through the last of the data and mailed them the results aghh!

I guess it happened because I have been giving two of my friends a hard time about doing similar things over the last few weeks. Wes twice left his laptop at home last week, and Gav left his laptop and cellphone at a friends pub in London on a quick stopover from Budapest- He has his laptop (life) back, though the cell phone loss may have occurred during the inebriated trip to Heathrow.

And speaking of Gav - he is up from Cape Town for the weekend for a wedding on Saturday, so got to spend some time with him and Stef today.

And apparently the Italian government considers Gav and I citizens due to some technical procedural thing when our great grandfather emigrated here more than a hundred years ago.

Stef proposed to me today on this basis hehe! Funny thing is that we could probably make a balanced couple.... As he was leaving he said he would call to invite me over for dinner, because we had to start planning soon. A June wedding is apparently what he wants. lol... Imagine a young version of Meatloaf, only more fem....

Had a long chat to him about his recent breakup, and we chatted about what happened between Nev and I too. I don't see him nearly enough since he moved to the city, though he insisted I come to their Halloween Party, well HallowQueen Party technically as all costumes have to be drag. have to check my busy schedule though.....

So since I never got much done today with the silly to and from the middle of nowhere and Stef and Gav being around for the rest of the day, I guess I need to put in some hours tonight.

And Nix won't be here for Christmas.....

But she will be here April with her son. It will be better in terms of timing, and Durban is not as unbearably humid as it is over December. She may have a few more chapters done on her book by then which should be interesting. One of the characters is loosely based on me....

My cat is meowing for attention. His latest thing is to stomp all over the keyboard while I am trying to work.... silly boi, he's not exactly small either.

And I've been so damn horny lately..... almost annoyingly so.

Quick general update

Okay, so I haven't blogged for a wee bit, but that's a sure sign that things are running better in my life right now.

So work: Day Three officially yesterday (Today is a useless public holiday).

I have been stressing because I work with different software to the rest of the team, and my data hasn't been matching up. The ramifications are huge. So basically, I have been importing their data, and it just never seems to register the same co-ords in space.

So on Tuesday I told the project leader that I am going to the client to try and resolve this issue. And I am getting looks of "you don't really know what you are doing, do you?"

My gut feel is that my data is right, and their's is wrong, but my panic is that I am missing something through being a little rusty with the whole system.

Four hours into trying to make a case, the client project manager reruns their process and comes up with a fundamental flaw in their own system. Ten Points For ME!!!!!

The problem is that their raw data was flawed, and they have used this data through several steps which now have to be re-done. Three months work literally down the drain pipe....

And good old Sethy has been mandated to redo all the work. This is good. More work = more hours = more pay lolz. They already know me as Dr Fixit at the client.

Now I just got to get thru financially till the end of Oct. Not really sure how I am going to manage it.....

Drank tequial last night haha! Was out with Wes. I could so have done really naughty things with him haha. I must have kissed him five or six times during the evening, inspiring many giggles from our waitress who just can't fathom why we are not a real couple. And a number of dirty looks from the more conservative patrons....

So I am off to Wes's parents place for a braai (bbq in otherspeak). Beer, sunshine, cricket, Wes, braai... a good day in all.

Saturday

Johnno and I


Me, Iain and Duma

9.35am Rugby, Happiness, SA 1-Oz and NZ 0, Tri-Nations FTW! Beer.

11.30am Breakfast with Wes, Happiness.

1.00pm Iain, Beer, Happiness.

2.00pm Iain, Johnno and Fam, Duma, Happiness, Beer.

6.00pm Home, Supper, Coffee, Happiness.

A good day

Tantric

That's what my life feels like sometimes..... Long and drawn out, yet mostly pleasurable, and still waiting for the big orgasm.

So as you may know if you follow me regularly, I have had some ups and downs on the financial / employment front for some time.

So anyway, after my 'agent' (I always put it in '' cos agents are supposed to get you work right?) called this week asking if I was available for some work, I waited with baited breath for some answer from him.

Day 2: I get a mail from Ray at the client requesting me to contact them direct. This is rarely good because I don't really ever get involved until an order is signed etc... I am not good at negotiating rates and stuff, thats why I have an 'agent'. Anyway, I try call, but just get voicemail. Later, while having a beer with Wes and Ali, Ray calls, so I ask him if this has to do with what my Agent is quoting on. So he tells me yeah, sorta, but not the same - all enigmatic like. Then he tells me that Paul will call me with all the details. Paul is his boss.

Day3: Paul calls me. Says I can't work thru my agent because the project is not at mine level, but at corporate head office level, in which case, Agent is not a registered vendor there and I would battle to get my money (again). Ray will call me and give me the details.

Day4: Ray calls me. Wants to know if I can start earlier, but work through ***con as discussed with Paul. So I say yeah... I can come and see them next week (Paul said not going to happen till late in the month). Ray says next week? Fuck no, come tomorrow cos Charles from xxxcon is leaving for Peru on Monday. Oh Fuck, I think, Charles. Him and I butted heads on the last project.

Today: I go through, all nervous like, because of the Charles butting heads incident that may fuck all of this stuff up for me. Ray takes me to the boardroom where Charles joins us. - all kitten like. Hey S, he says, nice to see you again etc etc... When can you start? What are your rates? How can we pay you? Travel? No problem. Laptop? Sure, we have a new Dell lying around. Oh, by the way, we have some juniors we would like you to take under your wing and give them some training. It's just that you really know this reef and the orebody better than most. We'll pay you extra for that of course.

On the outside I am all smooth and calm like. On the inside, I am going Booooyaaaaaaa!!!!

So he takes me around to the project manager for intro's. 'Hey Heather, This is S I told you about. Make sure he gets what he needs, and if you have any questions, he will help you out. I've asked him to give some leadership to the new guys.'

So I am still spinning a bit....

I mean, the money is really good. I probably could have milked a bit more.... but once this project is done, there is always the opportunity to re-negotiate.

So Sethy is back to building puzzles (My daughter's description for what I do). Basically doing 3D models of underground stuff using a bunch of known, inferred, and extrapolated data plus a whole lotta gut feel. Once my models are done, the geostaticians use them as boundaries within they can estimate the value of the ore, and the engineers use my models to plan their routes to the ore, and the marketers use my models as pretty pictures in presentations to raise billions on the stock exchange.

As long as they don't send me down there to physically check my work...... I am not going 3.4km underground thank you very much. Thats 1.5km below sea-level. And the area is 'seismically' active in some places.

Anyone?

Does anyone know what happened to jlo from Jeff's Favs?

Online relationships

Last night, I went signed on to my 'regular' MSN sign on - not the one I use for my fellow bloggers.

I haven't been there in a while, because well, it's kinda boring, and I usually use Skype for my A-side friends anyway.

My first foray into online chatting was when Yahoo Chat was full of cammers and cool chatrooms. I met a bunch of cool people, and went through a serious camming anonymously phase. I actually think I was a bit of an addict, often with five or six cam windows open lol.... even on dial up, it performed okay.

I guess like all things, I became a bit bored, and canned most of my 'friends', but I still chat occasionally to two of those original guys. Tim is in his fifties, married, but plays around a lot online, and while his wife works or is away on some or other conference. Tim and I went through a lot of stuff together. He supported me during my divorce and my first forays into coming out and one nighters, and almost relationships. I was there for him when his wife's cancer returned, and when they went into chapter eleven due to the medical costs.

I never felt I loved Tim in any way, but we certainly have a relationship of sorts. Once a week we catch up on the latest gossip, porn sites, new characters in our lives, both on and offline. He is a great guy and though we have never cammed (okay once when I was pretty pissed), we always fantasise about meeting some day and getting naked just because we can.

Matt on the other hand is totally different. First of all, he is younger - in his twenties - fit as all hell, intelligent etc etc. He is the only person I have seriously fallen for online. At one point, we were online together for hours at a time. The only thing that was missing to make it a real relationship was actual touching...

He lives on the other side of the planet of course (Sydney).

So last night, he popped up on MSN. I haven't chatted to him for months. Pretty soon, we were back into each other. It's painful actually, because what we have is like nothing else I have experienced with anyone online. It's as if I can feel him snuggled up next to me, whispering in my ear.

The last time I was in Australia, I ran out of time to spend any time in Sydney - just a connect from Brisbane to Johannesburg.

So I either want to do Brizzy or Rio for my birthday in Feb.

I really really really want to meet Matt. To complete what must be completed.

I thought I had forgotten what that feeling of love/infatuation/crush was until we spent time together last night.

Hell, I know it is a risk..... but everyone who really knows me will tell you that without risk, I am nothing.

Decisions.....

My 'agent' called today out of the blue as usual....

Seems his client has once again asked for me to do some work again. This is amazingly good news of course. The quoting is a formality because I have been requested specifically.

Problem 1:

It's from mid October, which means first payment optimistically end of November.

Problem 2:

Little brother has not been requested..... some sibling rivalry dilemma's approaching as he has no work at the moment either. I did ask my agent to keep him in mind if there is extra work.

Problem 3:

Do I expend time and energy into expanding the photography, then let it slide again while I do this (three month) job? The reality is that I can earn enough during this job to give me the capital to do the photo thing properly next year, but also I need income from now until the end of November or else I am going to be so far in debt that the extra cash is just going to go back into servicing the debt again.....

aaaargh!!!!!!!

And I need a new laptop for this job......

And I need software from little brother if I get new laptop.......

o fuck

fuckity fuck

haha....

And my agent says the engineers are working again, which means the recession is officially over in my industry, so I may even have more work next year after this job.

Perhaps Rio Carnival is not too much of a pipe dream for my birthday in February.......

The Universe is apparently listening....

Glorious Day!

Went out with the other two thirds last night. W returned home from holiday yesterday, having spent ten days on the beach (grrrr jealous). Ali was receiving penis pics on her phone while we giggled like girls rating each one as they came through from a (hot) married guy every ten minutes or so. Apparently he was sneaking into the bathroom while at home with his wife, and taking cock pics and sending them to her.....

It was quiz night unfortunatley, so eye candy was restricted to the old age home fogies whose only weekly entertainment is to book a table, order the cheapest on the menu, and take the chance to show that they are old enough to know everything. And win prizes of biscuits and booze.

Had an early breakfast with Wes in the sun this morning at our favourite coffee shop. He only goes back to work tomorrow.

Now back to the PC and get my Photoshop work done. Gah! I am tired of Barmitzvah pics lol.... Sixth one in three weeks......

Trying to figure out creative and different ways to make studio lights pay. Seems every Tom Dick and Anny with a digital camera is out there after being retrenched through Affirmative Action and the recession.....

Much like me of course.

Time to be seriously different!

hi....

It's Monday.
Unseasonally horny.
Have NO motivation to work.
Brother offered to help me buy some equipment.
My erratic outlook on life has never been good for me.
The house I want is back up for sale.
I never won the lotto though....

Why am I so nervous/anxious?

Actually I do know why.

I guess I have never been good at cold calling.

Though it has to be done.

I have never been good at keeping my mouth shut either.

Though - sometimes - it has to be done.

I have never been good at accepting help.

Though, I guess now is the time to change.

Assistant Required
No Experience Necessary

Congenital Nevus

That's what it is.
I think.
I once had a dermatologist tell my mum (in front of me as if I didn't exist) that if I didn't have it grafted off, I would suffer severe pyschological issues.
I often forget it is there because I don't see it.

Does anyone else have one?

Or know anyone who has one?

I am thinking about a tattoo incorporating it. Ideas?

Mixed bag

So I have flu argh! Not bad yet, just a bit chesty and sore throat, but judging by the people around me, it's bound to get worse before it gets better.

Did another shoot last weekend at another dance festival. I don't know these dancers, so its going to be a bit harder to get the stuff sold. I posted a bunch to my photography FB fan page, and invited one of the dancers I found on FB. He was pretty impressed with the stuff, so I will take sample and stuff next week. It's been a busy week for me, trying to catch up on other stuff, and my daughter has been with me as she has been pretty sick too.

This weekend, I am going with my Mom and her sister to the Drakensberg. It's the 40th birthday of a set of twins I grew up with, though we don't see each other much anymore. Our familes are friends, so that's why we are all going down together. All we could get was a three bedroom unit, and I was hoping to take the kids with. But J has taken a few days off school this week already, and she has something on for school on Saturday. And I can't take S without taking J.....

My oldest customer lost his mom-in-law yesterday. A result of too many years of drinking and smoking too much. It never came as much of a surprise, but his kids are taking it hard. Not fun to lose a granny, especially a fun, party-loving granny.

Reminds me of my own grandfather on my dad's side. He lost his drivers license due to an accident where someone died. He was driving and he was blind drunk when the cops and ambulance arrived.

So while he never had a driver's license, he was a senior pilot on an international airline....

Fun.

Lol.. we are four brothers, and I was the only one he would have anyhting to do with. He used to catch a taxi on a Saturday morning to take me (only me) to the movies and pancakes after.

He was a twin, but lost his brother when they were very young (just in their twenties I think), and I think I reminded him of his brother. I sometimes think I am his brother reincarnated. Sounds silly, but I do think that.

A Change of Scenery

No, I'm not leaving blogland, though I really don't visit nearly enough at the moment.

I go through these phases where my body and soul aches for a change of scenery. It's usually set off by a general change of circumstances around me, and of course, over the last few months, a lot has changed.

For the first time ever, I have been lying awake thinking about distant shores. I dream frequently of the odd bit of travel, armed with lenses of various sizes and speedos, but seldom ever imagine myself setting up a little home in a foreign land. My home town has been a constant magnet and rock to me. The centre of the universe if you like.

I did live and work in New England for a time a long while ago. I also once spent six months in the Kingdom of Swaziland, but being only 330km from the centre of the universe, it hardly counts as 'being abroad'.

Nearly two years ago I moved in with Neville - the love of my life at the time - who lived 1200km away. Even though it meant moving away from my kids, I thought I could make it work - and probably could have if we hadn't broken up lol.... But it was like a test case scenario for me and the kids.

Lately, as the kids are getting older, I almost feel that they are needing me less and less in many respects. The ex and her same sex partner now live in adjoining houses on the same property - a bold step towards cementing their relationship in the very long term. She has two kids the same age as mine, and more and more, I feel like they are melding into a new family unit. And a fairly happy one at that. I kinda feel like I am drifting out of the core as time moves on. I know it is inevitable as they grow up, and we are hard wired to let it be, but this transition phase is unsettling.

Sadly, I feel more and more like my ex takes advantage of my good nature, and is only pleasant to me when there are material requirements to her own benefit. Sad, because I for one, cannot write off our history of better times as being completely non-existent - something she seems to be the master at.

So for the last six months or so, I have been drifting without a real goal. And when that happens, I endure night after night of insomnia, as my mind races around, looking for something to cling to.

Basically, I think the time has come to make real plans in terms of working towards a goal that for once does not include the immediate needs of my kids and my ex. As harsh as it may sound, I think this phase of my involvement in their everyday life is passing for them. It is me who is hanging on to them.

I am going through a real financial crisis - which in itself is manageable given a bit of time - but I am met with a stone wall of non-empathy by the ex. Demands of blood from my stone. But I guess that is one of the reasons we are apart. When we seperated, we were going through a similar (temporary) situation, and I suddenly realized that she simply did not have the staying power to endure the downs among the ups. This made me wonder what would happen if I were one day to require special care through an accident or illness. I think she would have simply left me.

So..... Rio for the boys? New Zealand because I have a brother there? Mozambique to build a wooden cabin near the beach and live off the land and the odd tourist? Lima for the Spiritual Pull I have felt my entire life for no apparent reason?

I am inclined to think I will fair better where there is scenery of the shirtless male variety....