An exchange of letters

Ha! I decided to post this as a real feelgood piece. Some background: Nix was my 'girlfriend' for a large part of my highschool years. A couple of years ago, I was on a course in Perth and decided to fly over to Brizvegas to visit the girl I hadn't seen for two decades. We had been swopping mails, and I had come out to her already. We spent an amazing week together up and down the Gold Coast. neither of us expected how we were together that week. Anyways, below is a mail I sent her when I got home, and the mail she sent to me... It's heart warming and sad and happy. Just had to share...

To Nix

Ok, so we can dissect this thing a million ways, but really, we should just be celebrating the fact that we managed to get together after so many years.

Yeah, so chat is going to be really empty for a while, I know, cos suddenly we are two real people, with real issues and real feelings. Feelings which I never expected in a million years. When I was on the plane over to Brizzie, I kept asking myself: What the hell is going to happen? Why am I doing this? What is she going to be like? Are we just going to be two awkward individuals chatting about some small part of our lives in a past so far away? What are we going to do once we run out of stuff to say to each other?

Boy, I never expected the sparks, the connections, the mental (and physical) attraction that developed. What I never expected was the mutual counseling, the healing, the crying, the outpouring, the laughter, the feeling of being together for so long, the love, the confusion, the pain of leaving. The debates, the jokes, the holding hands……

God, I love to be surprised.

This week, has given closure to so many things. Holding your hand and kissing you with confidence, and without fear. I needed that. Sharing stuff that only my journal sees, I needed that. It was like I was in a safe house, where no-one knew where to find me, and I could confess and discuss, and cry. I needed that. The closeness and the honesty, I needed that. I have spent so much of my time, pretending to be this and that, all to make others happy, or to live out others’ dreams and expectations. Not even knowing I was doing that sometimes. But the honesty that leapt up between us, all of those pretences were gone, invalid, deleted.

This week, has also opened so much. I felt the ability to love and be loved, something which I thought I had lost. I have built so many defense mechanisms, they had closed off some really intimate channels. I felt I had met my doppelganger, my nemesis, my twin, my soulmate.

This week, I felt I gave back what I was getting in. I felt your pain, your healing, your laughter. I felt love being given and received.

This week, made the world feel a lot smaller. Made me closer. But also made me realize how far apart we really are.

I can easily regret going over, meeting you, welling stuff up that I didn’t want to see, feeling a connection growing that can only create pain in us being apart. But how can I regret feeling so good, seeing you smile, seeing you looking back in your mind, seeing the teenage Nix popping up in all the right places, feeling that knot in my stomach when we touched, feeling my soul stir when we kissed. So my fear of the physical between us is still there, but hell, we only had a week……

Nix, know this: I could grow old with you, I could be your neighbor, your partner, your counselor, your friend, even your lover.

I said this has been one of the best weeks in a long time. No, I think this last week is just the beginning of an amazing turn of events that will stay with me for a much longer time than that.

Yes, the defense systems have begun to kick in. The detachment, the denial, the putting away the feelings in a box somewhere. But the gears have changed, the seeds are planted, objectives and goals moved and re-arranged. Parts of my mind have been switched on, turned off, re-channeled.

I only hope that I have had the same effect on you, because what you have given me in such a short period, I can only wish I have given back to you.

******************

From Nix

When you said you were coming to Brisbane, I approached it with a mild disinterest and a little amusement because I felt detached from the world, incapable of feeling anything anymore. I knew that nothing you could bring to my door would shock me because I have been around and I've heard it all. I asked myself, "Why should your visit to Brisbane make me feel any different, after all, you are a perfect stranger to me". I thought, "It's odd that he should be so hell bent on seeing me. I don't count for much in anyone's books. Why is he even bothering, but I was curious to say the least."

Then you arrived. Surprised from behind by this grown man, so strong and attractive, full of smiles and laughter. Traces of the boy I knew the only proof that you are who you said were. I hugged you but surveyed you from a distance with curious amusement. Awkward conversation, the same like I felt when seeing my dad for the first time in 5 years.

In the taxi, my stomach knotted, thinking "How long is 4 days going to be" but I knew that once well-oiled I could have a conversation with a statue if I wanted to, so i relaxed. The first giggle when we realised the taxi driver knew what we were talking about... it felt delicious to laugh again.

That first night, I was watching you, talking and connecting but still detached... watching you all the time. Forgot about your birthmark.. then remembered, connect, bang.. Flashback... connect... your hand movements, mannerisms, animated stories.. slowly wakening the suppressed parts of my soul, remembering now. You shower me with gifts and I make a shrine, we take pictures..

Things seems to tick smoothly, universe conspires, great car... set to to enjoy.. I relax with you, not feeling threatened, afterall, you are gay.. we start to talk, i trust you implicitly, slowly i recognise you as part of me, my past, my soul starts to sway with happiness... there is movement but each time I slam my heart back down, thinking to myself.. nuh-uh don't let this run, there is danger here and he is not interested... don't make a fool of yourself..

Driving, talking, seeing nothing, laughing, swimming,drinking on the beach... I see the light in your soul, slowly opening.. we talk about dark things, you cry, i cry, we hold hands now..your gorgeous strong hands, it feels so comforting, like someone is on my side for a change.. i slam myself down, stop it, Nix, this is not what he wants..

Party at Jamo n Nadines. So good to see them.. I have missed them.. We talk, laugh get drunk, but now I feel an urgency.. in your touch, my touch..you leave with Jamie for a while..i feel bereft..i panic...lost... you kissed my forehead, i feel your adoration, i bask in the warmth of your sun. We sleep close, naked, touching but in denial.

Finally escape from Jamo's, need privacy to connect physically.. connect... Find ourselves at Le Beach, now I can breathe with you, explore your soul, your heart, find out where I left Sethy those years ago..we laugh till we cry, trust is manifested in conversations that are deep and meaningful, we kiss awkwardly.. not knowing each other's touch, you offer yourself to me but i feel you are sacrificing your identity. You trust me, i cannot allow you to do that to yourself, i refuse your offer of consumation..

Back home, you invite my ex-husband into our private space,i can see he is envious of what we have, suddenly i feel the contrast of what we've got compared to what he has and what he and i used to have, and I feel joyious to know that i have found my diamond and oh, how it sparkles.. you.

They go, we kiss, sweet music, this time, we find each other with comfort and ease, giving and taking hungrily, i think to myself, man, I could marry this man right now.. i detach, connect, detach, connect, bitter sweet, feel sexual and want to experience your inner being and you, physically.. fantasy frees our minds and eases you into a sexual being - I feel confident that it is possible, with time, to satisfy you in ways you never even dreamt of...

Our last private embrace burned in my mind, like a branded animal, never to be lost. You leave me with this image. We drive to airport, contained. We hold each other in the terminal, lost for words, kissing like lovers. You say, goodbye, i walk away, I come back, you say Go Now... an order, I walk off, fearing if I turn back, I will turn into a pillar of salt. I'm strong, i say.. I walk without looking back,just like in the movies.. I go down the escalator, mechanically stride out of the airport, the doors open, the warm air hits me and I dissolve into a thousand pieces, a nothing, a nobody, back to my invisible self. The sun is gone, it's raining, in my heart too. I can't walk,. I lean against the pillar, struggling for air. The tears falling like the rain, my heart the same colour as the grey skies. numb, can't feel. detached again.. floating like a wisp in the wind... released. you are gone, I am gone. Now i sit feeling like i have experienced a death. a second one. But my son says: "At least he is still alive mum" when he sees my tears, i laugh.. god that feels good to know that yes, YOU are alive...

You bring me closer than I was to B because we have history, deep roots in our culture, our background, our intelligence, our humour, and because we are both awkward with each other's sexuality..so much left to explore.. If you and B stood at the bar, and I were to choose which one to take, it would be you... i feel it is only the beginning...not the end. you could say another place another time but what we have is now.. not tomorrow or last week... When we meet again, we may need longer.. we may never meet.. but you know where i am and when you are ready, i know you will come and find me.. it may not be now or next year but you will find me when the time is right. It may even be too late, who knows. I leave that part up to you... I feel the same detachment and denial and reality checks but I am dreamer and since I feel that there is a small part of you that is alive to me, i guess i will always have a small glimmer of hope (pardon the pun, lol!). But if you find the body to match the mind and it is not me, you will always occupy a special place in my heart.. know that I love you. I love your whole being, with all the good and the bad, your awkwardness, you have a safe landing platform with me always...you are such a beautiful person and you are my shining star.

Nix