Weekend of mixed emotions

My older brother married for the third time on Saturday. It was a casual affair in their garden. The pastor spoke sense, but spoke too long. The bride was beautiful, all the kids were behaved, the weather was amazing - unbelievably heavy unseasonable rains having abated just four days previous.

I caught the garter....

I have three brothers, who all live very different lives. It is always amazing when we can all be in the same place at te same time. It has only happened about six or seven times over the last fifteen years.

My brothers are all successful businessmen in their own rights. The eldest is in the sand and stone business, and more recently manufactures steel mesh for concrete reinforcing. Brother 2 is an electrical contractor who spends most of his time involved in hotel refurbishing. Younger brother is a broad based geologist now in a consulting role.

Yours truly has drifted through life on a career front, having chosen to be a light in others' lives. The pattern has been to join the underdog, and build bad processes into efficiency, at which point boredom sets in, and I drift to the next one. Eight years ago, I started a courier business, borrowed money to capitalise, and failed spectacularly, and went back to rescuing others.

More recently, I worked with little brother, and find myself specialising within the geology field. A major contract, which I have been chasing since last year has been 'indefinately postponed', leaving me technically unemployed. I am still owed money on a project completed mid February, and when they eventually pay me the balance owing, I will be able to survive for another four months or so.

Right now, I have a zero balance bank account, a petrol tank that has about another 40km petrol in the tank, some emergency food in the kitchen, and one packet of cigarettes. I have rent, telephone, child support, school fees and other small bills to pay this week. On Friday, I was told that the paperwork submitted for my Invoice for the work I am owed for was a fuckup (My agent), and payment has not been approved.

So being with my brothers over the weekend, has left me feeling a complete failure. I know it is irrational. So yesterday, the only thing that kept me together was the fact that my youngest daughter was with me for most of the day.

Iain offered to buy me a drink or two last night, which was very welcome... Just before I arrived, W texted me about what his mother had done to piss him off. I decided not answer. It is so fucking trivial. He has to get a grip on reality for a change. Everyone tiptoes around his 'issues'.

I have realised that he uses me as some sort of emotional crutch, without realising how difficult it is for me. I have loved him since the first day I met him, and chose to remain friends with him after we failed to get a relationship going. His 'issues' revolve around an ex-boyfriend of his. Everytime he talks about it, it hurts inside me. I really don't want to know anymore.

So I spent last night venting at Iain.....

And was angry when I got home. I still am, but just have to get through this week somehow.

Sorry for the depressing crap. I promise it will get better soon...

Sethy....