The Real Journey Part One

Bare with me over the next few posts. One of the reasons I am here is because I feel I have a small mission to accomplish. I am not sure how to define it. At first, I thought it was meant only for younger people, as a way of offering advice through telling my own story. But as I read and discover more through you good bloggers of varying ages, I think that perhaps we can all learn something from each other, and from each others’ experiences. There appears to be a common thread among gay bloggers; that is that we often feel isolated and alone in our plight. And for some – like me- it is a real plight. I never chose to be gay. For most of my life, I wanted to just be straight and ‘normal’. Early on, I never understood what it was that was happening to me. I thought I was a freak of some sort. Homosexuality was only referred to in derogatory terms. Fag, Queer, Fruit. Someone to fear, to scorn – and basically deserving of death by stoning. Every homosexual was a pedophile out to hunt school boys.

And of course, my first real experience as a gay person, just happened to be with a pedophile, so it reinforced every negative aspect I had imagined or had been taught through peer interaction. Up until just a few years ago, I lived my life with this dark specter following me around. I was afraid that if it ever came out that I was gay, people would hide their children from me, I would lose all my friends and family. How wrong I was of course. I blamed every thing that had gone ‘wrong’ in my life on the pedophile that ‘tainted’ me.

It was not until the middle of last year, when I finally forgave him, and understood his own plight in life, that I began to fully understand how wonderful my own life is – and has been. I had just chosen to believe that I was damaged goods, and could never be ‘fixed’. I am still on that journey of that self discovery. I learn something new every day, about myself, and about the universe around me. I am not religious in a conventional sense, but I have strong convictions about what is right or wrong. I believe in Karma, and subscribe to the Christ message of love and forgiveness. I also believe very strongly that one cannot love effectively without first learning to love oneself. You cannot accept others fully, until you have accepted yourself. You create your own universe. The rules, I believe, are simple: Use your power to create carefully. If it involves hurting others, it is going to come back and bite you in the ass.

So over the next few posts, I am going to go back in time a little. Back to that first time with Trevor the pedophile. It is his real name, the only real name I will ever use here, it is the only way that I can tell this story without turning it into fiction.

And feel free to express anything on your mind while on this journey with me. Tell me if you think I am being judgmental in any way. Ask me for my email address if there is anything you would like to discuss with me outside of this forum. I love to interact and debate.

The journey continues…..