Why do i love the soccer boy?

So let’s start at the beginning shall we?

I have always been a straight A student since I can remember except in my final year in high school when I felt my life was falling apart - but that’s a subject for another post. Being at the top of the class, I always commanded a sense of respect from my peers. I also had all the girls following me around like sheep.

I have been asked many times by friends whether I chose to be gay; I was born that way; or did circumstances make me gay. In the 6th grade, my official girlfriend was Jill. She reminded me of Disney’s Snowhite. fair skin, jet black hair, and deep blue eyes. She was infatuated by me, and it suited me to have the most beautiful girl as my girlfriend. On Fridays, there was always a movie in the school hall, and we all piled in, sitting on the floor, or on loose chairs around the sides. It was an opportunity for the boys to get close to their girls. Jill always took the initiative - getting there early to get two chairs, making sure they were pulled close together and guiding my hand to hold hers.

It all sounds so romantic yeah? The reality of it all was that I was terrified. I would break out in cold sweats. I couldn’t concentrate on the movie, and I never knew whether I was doing the right thing.

You see, I was in love with the soccer boy. Alex was perfect. Blonde, athletic, popular… Eyes to die for, and a smile that would make me melt.

I never had a sexual attraction to him. I just knew I felt something for him, that I should have been feeling for Jill.

So my answer? I think I was born gay. During my later high school years and for years after that, I worked hard at not being gay. The reasons are for another post. But I cannot deny myself my ‘gayness’. Women are still attracted to me, and I am still terrified. It is so bad, that if a beautiful girl talks to me today, and I get the feeling it is a sexual advance, my top lip actually twitches lightly. Weird huh?

I met Alex at the beginning of last year by accident at our local pub. He is now a small time lawyer. He is balding, and has almost zero personality, though the smile is still there. I also bumped into Jill about three years ago. Our kids were both at the same birthday party. I had to introduce myself and tell her who I was, or else she would never have remembered me. It pissed me off, but made my daughter laugh.