I need a change

The weekend ended up with me feeling empty. It’s the same faces, the same places. I lost my phone on Saturday night. Why? Because once again, I can’t say no to a party. My brother’s friend, and his friend, invited me out after we had already been drinking the whole day at brother2’s place. I had already finished two bottles of good red wine, and had tackled a few rums, and perhaps a shooter or two.

They kept buying me drinks at the club, and I kept drinking them. Then movie boy arrived and wouldn’t talk to me.

It’s my fault partly. I know he needed me last week, and I didn’t come through for him. The problem is that he is closet bi. It’s also inter-racial. And there is an age difference. I never know whether he is using me, or I am using him. So I thought I was doing the right thing by backing off. But Saturday, he expressed disappointment. He was drunk, and cried.

The straight boys with me thought it was a lovers spat. If he was my lover, it would have been. The incident is going to get back to Brother2, and it will spread like wildfire. Oh dear, he is dating a BLACK guy. And it doesn’t help that he looks half my age - even though he isn’t.

I just wish my family weren’t as racist as they are.

Fuck, I do love him though, for all his crap.

I texted him this morning about our movie date today. No reply.

I don’t know what to do. Perhaps I need to step back from the familiar places and faces.

It’s going to be a trying time. At least my closest friends understand the dynamic between him and I.

I just wish he would call… ffs