Actually...

Actually, the making out in the parking lot last night was a pretty significant turning point in the current events of this little life I call my own.

Since stalker girl, I have pretty much put up the defense walls all around me again. Being hurt really hurts. And sometimes we forget to deal with it, imagining it will just spirit away. But being hurt puts cracks into all the good things you believe about yourself sometimes. Sometimes they are just tiny little hairline ones, and sometimes not even a fresh coat of paint and filler will hide them.

So there we were, Iain and I, minding our own business. There was a cute guy sitting close by, so I was just happy being with a friend, and the fantasy part of my mind had something to prod around.

Willem arrived with gf in tow, and J. J and Willem shared an apartment at some time a few years ago. They worked together and slept together. It wasn't a relationship for Willem, but I think J thought it was. Neeedless to say, things happened and Willem moved out. I don't ask.

Now, I had never actually met J before, so here i am wondering about him. The gaydar is kinda sniffing, but not finding too many clues. He quietly sips on his drink, and I think I catch him looking at me, but pass it off as wishful thinking. He leaves us for a bit to go to the bathroom, and Willem pulls me aside and asks me to at least chat to the guy because he really thinks I am hot (hehe). Then he tells me his name and I put two and two together. So we chat, dance a bit, I touch his neck, he puts his hand down the back of my jeans. But he is shy in front of the crowd, so I get him to follow me outside. We go to a dark spot, and I pull him close and we kiss. It was so intense for both of us, we have to seperate for a bit to breathe, just to take in the moment. We kiss again, this time slower, deeper. I love his stubble against my neck as he breathes in my ear.

So we return to the crowd. He asks me if we can see each other after he drops the other guys off. He is the designated driver, but Willem and gf don't look like they are ready to leave. We swop numbers. I need to leave, the alcohol is catching me and I hadn't eaten enough. I tell him I will be up, so if he wants come over later, to call me for directions.

He doesn't call, but its okay. The point here is that I really felt good about myself again last night. I may see him again, I may not. I will text him later to see if he is okay.